You are in a committed relationship, and you don’t want to end it, but with the way things are, you are not sure you want to stay in it either.
Your primary focus needs to be to repair the relationship with your partner and heal the past hurts.
Then, from a place of peace, clarity and certainty, you will be prepared to either create the marriage you desire or happily co-parent together as you move on to attract your forever love.
You don’t want to end your marriage, but, with the way things are, you are not sure you want to stay in it either. You are driven. You are successful in many areas of your life and hold yourself to a high standard. Your intimate relationship frustrates you and sometimes you wonder if your spouse is really the right one for you. You wish your relationship could be easier, without so many struggles. Having a loving and passionate relationship with your partner would be fantastic, but you’re not even sure you believe that is really possible any more.
Sometimes you think life would just be so much easier without your partner around. But at the same time, the thought of how you would financially manage two households and your fears around custody and co-parenting of your children make separating seem more difficult than staying.
At the very least, you want to get to a place with your partner that if you do decide to separate, you trust each other to happily co-parent and support each other through the separation in a financially sustainable way. You recognize that this type of separation can only be achieved by two people who can peacefully and compassionately work together as a family, even if they are not going to be married any more. And you know that you and your partner don’t have that right now.
You love your kids and want the best possible life for them; including having two happy parents who love them and create a great life for them, whether they are still married to each other or not.
You are struggling and frustrated. It’s tough to get through the week without hurt feelings, upsets or disagreements. You feel like you’ve tried and tried…and you’re getting tired and fed up. Communicating with your partner is stressful and if we are really being honest, you avoid it any time you can. You let a lot of things go just to keep the peace.
You would love to have a loving and passionate marriage, like you thought it would be, but you don’t know if that’s possible…in fact, you probably doubt that it is. But more than that, you want a loving home for your kids. And even more than that, you want to stay in your home with your kids and you don’t want to be apart from them, not even for part of the week.
The fear of actually separating, having two households to support and trying to co-parent with each other combined with the financial impact that would have are almost overwhelming. Not to mention the feeling that you don’t want to go through all that, and throw away all those years together, if you really are just one solution away from fixing it all and finding away to stay together.
Maybe you even know other people who have gotten divorced and are scared by how much they suffer and struggle with financial and child related challenges. And still, a part of you just can’t see living the rest of your life unhappy.
So, until you know you have done everything possible to repair your relationship, you are not willing to put yourself, or your family, through a divorce.
Every single day I help people in your situation, so I’m just going to give it to you straight.
From where you are right now in your relationship, with the skills and perspective that you have today, you and your partner cannot fix your marriage on your own. If you could, you would have done it by now.
The good news is, you happen to have landed in exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
I’m going to tell you precisely what you need most right now, and it’s NOT going to be what you expect to hear. What you need most right now is to replenish and support yourself so that you have the energy, the balance and the perspective shift needed to create a stable foundation for your relationship, whether or not you are going to stay married.
I’m not talking about a spa day or vacation…although, honestly, it wouldn’t hurt. Nor do I mean that you need physical space from your partner or need to separate…on the contrary, it means that from inside your relationship, you need to step back from what is not working and get the support you need to elevate yourself first, fortify yourself with the tools and strategies that work and start pouring more positive interactions into your relationship.
I know right now it seems impossible to imagine doing that. But it’s like building an automobile from parts. Let me explain.
If I told you that in order to rescue your relationship you needed to build a car from parts, you might look at me like I had two heads…because that’s impossible, right? But what if I told you that you were going to be standing next to the person who builds that car every day, day in and day out. And that he was going to walk you through building that car, piece by piece. And you were going to have the book, that he wrote, with step-by-step instructions on how to build that car. And you were going to be in a state of the art facility, equipped with everything you could possibly need to build that car as quickly and easily as any human could. And your marriage depended on building that car. What do you think now, could you build that car now?
It’s the same with your relationship. Standing where you are right now, equipped with the tools and resources that you have now, you can’t see how it would be possible to transform your relationship. Of course, I totally get that.
But with a trained and certified coach beside you, who does this day in and day out, equipped with all the tools and strategies that you need, in an environment that is equipped with everything you could need to transform your relationship as quickly and easily as any human could, using a process that has been proven to work successfully many times over, for other couples in as bad or worse a situation as you are in now, with your marriage depending on it. What do you think now….do you think maybe you could transform your relationship now?
There’s something else that you need most right now….and it’s also something that may surprise you and be in opposition to what many other relationship experts may say.
There is a reason why statistics currently say that 75% of all couples therapy or marriage therapy does not work. When a husband and wife BOTH speak to a therapist at the same time, from the state that the two of you are in today, one of two things typically ends up happening. Either both the husband and wife end up feeling misunderstood, or more commonly, the therapist sides with one spouse and the other spouse feels ganged up on. Either way, the therapy fails.
That is why, as surprising as this may be to you today, the first step to rescuing your relationship is for each of you to get the coaching, support, tools and strategies that truly work to shift your perspective, tap into your compassion and create an opportunity for partnership… but NOT in couples coaching sessions. I know this sounds contrary to what nearly every other relationship expert will tell you. I don’t care. In my experience, it’s the only solution that truly works.
Think of it this way…
I’m not going to rescue your relationship…you are. I’m just going to tell you how to build the car, one piece at a time.
Do you think it would be easier to build that car with just me and you…or do you think you would be more successful with your partner in the room, watching every move you make, while you are trying to build a freakin’ car?
Like I said from the beginning, if you could fix your marriage on your own, given the resources you have today, you would have done it already. The answer you are looking for is in that very sentence. You need to work with someone who can help YOU transform into the best partner that you can be, so that you can bring THAT version of yourself to your relationship.
And you know what, you’re not even doing this for your current partner. You are doing this for YOU. So that you can experience a better quality of life with your partner today, rescue your marriage, if that’s what you determine is best for you…and if not, you will have transformed yourself into the version of YOU who can happily co-parent with this partner and attract the partner you are truly aligned to be with.
It’s true that not all relationships are meant to last, but if you have children, you will be co-parenting with this partner for the rest of your life. And when you and your partner both have resentments, hurts, even anger towards each other, going through divorce is exhausting, depleting and not to mention very expensive.
I have yet to hear someone come up to me and say “I just got through the most excruciating divorce with my ex, but ever since the divorce process ended, co-parenting with him or her has been such a pleasurable delight!”
It just doesn’t happen… whatever leverage you may have today as married parents you will lose once you get divorced. Even if the relationship isn’t meant to last forever, you must do what it takes to bring it back from the edge, to a balanced, caring and peaceful relationship so that you can happily co-parent as a family for the rest of your lives as you move on to attract your forever love!