The secret strategy to keep a relationship OFF the back burner
Stacey Martino
“Stacey, where am I supposed to find the time and energy to have ANY sex, let alone ‘unleashed passion’?!?
That is the most common complaint I hear from people in relationships today! The spark of passion has fizzled and they’re wondering if it’s even possible to get it back, when they’re so busy and exhausted all of the time.
To them, it really feels like a lack time and energy are their problem, however, if I question them further, they inevitably admit that they’ve let their relationship slide to the back burner amidst of all of the pressure and responsibilities of their crazy-busy modern life!
They’re certainly not alone. This is one of the biggest challenges that my students face, and I’ve been there, too.
Years ago in the midst of being a new mom, my relationship with Paul slid to the back burner, too. After all, I reasoned, “This baby needs me 24/7! He needs to be my priority. Paul’s a big boy – he can take care of himself! When the baby is older and sleeping better, Paul and I will have more time and energy and we’ll be able to prioritize our relationship again!”
Yeah, RIGHT!! (Famous last words, huh?) If you’ve had young kids you’re probably laughing right about now, because you know that you have even LESS time and energy the older they get!
Here’s the truth: if your relationship has been relegated to the back burner, it’s NOT about a lack of time or energy! (Seriously…it’s not)
And because it’s not, I have some really great news for you: you don’t need more ‘time’ in order to get your relationship back onto the front burner!
It’s true! Let me explain…
The two relationship phases that drive most people to seek our help are:
- “Hanging by a Thread”
- “Passion-less”.
“Hanging by a thread” means that one or both partners are thinking about ending it.
“Passion-less” means that there is still caring or loving between the partners, but little to no sexual intimacy.
Now, to you, those two phases may appear completely different.
To me, however, they are the exact same relationship! There’s just a timing difference.
Have you heard the old joke, ”What’s the difference between SALAD and GARBAGE?”
The answer is: TIME!
Time is the difference between salad and garbage, and it’s also the difference between a passion-less relationship and one that’s hanging by a thread!
Except this is no joke, so I’m taking a stand today and saying this loud and clear,
“Passion is the life-force of your relationship! Without it, your relationship is DYING!”
It’s true! If the passion in your relationship has fizzled, diminished or disappeared, your relationship is slowly dying.
Here’s why…
Very often, the passion will fade in a long-term, committed relationship. The partners will have less and less sex as time goes on. Eventually they will revert to being good friends, parents, or roommates, but they will no longer the lovers they were when they began the relationship.
They are no longer having sex with the only person on the planet they’re “allowed” to have sex with, and the distance between them grows as the feelings of rejection, pain, and resentment start to build.
Eventually they begin to lead what we call “parallel lives.” They’re living under the same roof and going through the motions like two ships passing in the night, but they try not to “bump” into each other, because it’s like picking off a scab – every encounter re-opens the wound and is a painful reminder of what you no longer share together.
Eventually, they wake up one day and realize the reason they were staying together, no longer exists! If they’ve been busy parents – this happens when the last child moves out.
They find themselves wondering WHY they’re even together and begin questioning if they can tolerate living like this until they die.
All of a sudden, they realize that over time, their relationship stagnated and went from salad to garbage! They’re no longer just “Passion-less”, they’re “Hanging a thread”! And it wasn’t even their fault!
The descent from “passion-less” to “hanging-by-a-thread” is a perfectly natural, organic progression in a long-term relationship. Without learning specific tools and strategies to bring the passion back and keep it going strong, it happens to everyone.
The good new is, you can turn this around and get your relationship OFF the back burner by bringing the passion back NOW!
Now, you might be tempted to believe these lies, but don’t fall for them:
“My relationship just isn’t that hot and exciting!”
“MY partner just isn’t that way!”
“I just don’t care about sex anymore, I’m really into all of this sex/passion stuff!”
None of that is true!
It’s just fear, frustration and confusion talking!
Trust me, I KNOW, because not only do I serve thousands of people who are all going through the same dynamics in their relationships, Paul and I went through this same dynamic ourselves!
Shortly after our first child was born, the passion in our relationship started to fizzle. Sex was happening less and less. It was a struggle (and almost a ‘to-do’ item) just to have sex. And when we did, it sure wasn’t hot and amazing!
I couldn’t help but wonder, “WHY?”
At first I thought it was just because our life was crazy busy and overwhelming with Kids, Work, House, and all of the other responsibilities and pressures we had going on!
When I got honest with myself, I had to admit that if I could crash at night in front of the TV to unwind, I had time for sex. But I didn’t feel like having sex.
I realized that although we were busy, the truth was that we didn’t FEEL the same way with each other anymore. We were just using ‘being busy’ as an excuse to avoid having sex.
As Paul and I looked deeper into what was going on, we realized that our relationship had slid to the back burner!
We noticed several dynamics that were actually CAUSING the loss of passion:
- Moments of upset, frustration, nit-picking, and being ‘pissed-off’ were happening more often, and they left me feeling disconnected from Paul.
- At times, we felt misunderstood by each other and it created a distance.
- Paul wasn’t sure why he was upsetting me at times, so he was trying to give me more space (which is what a GUY needs when they’re upset)– but as a woman, it increased my feelings of disconnection and loneliness.
- We felt like “Mom and Dad” for so many hours of the day that we just didn’t feel like our sexy selves with each other by the end of the day.
- There were upsets that needed to be healed in order for me to really want to be vulnerable with Paul.
- We lost the playfulness, flirty, fun energy because we were stuck in ‘over-responsibility’!
- While trying to manage the kids, work and the house, I was stuck in my masculine energy most of the time. As a result, Paul was trying to “back off” and be accommodating (which is a feminine energy) and that flip-flopped energy turned our passion off like a light switch!
Paul and I decided it was time to dig in again and ‘FIX THIS NOW’! We weren’t willing to have our relationship stay on the back burner!
We started Doing The Work!
We looked at all of our upsets, misunderstandings and generally bitchy/nasty moments and figured out that they were occurring because we really didn’t understand each other as well as we thought we did.
The truth is men and women are COMPLETELY different, and no one teaches us this stuff when we’re growing up!
So we dug in and learned the key differences between the masculine and feminine and used that as a “handbook” to navigate our days! (Click here to get our free ebook “It Does NOT Take Two to Tango”)
Here’s what we did differently:
We started intentionally “Switching Gears” after the kids went to bed. We made a conscious decision to get out of that “Mom and Dad” mode. We came up with a few key ways that we could trigger ourselves back into “Stacey” and “Paul” so we felt more sensual for each other
We had the difficult conversations we’d been avoiding. We learned the tools to navigate those conversations so we could heal the past hurts and build our trust and loyalty back!
We started scheduling date nights with each other to bring the FUN back into our relationship. We created two simple rules for our dates:
- No wearing anything you would wear around the kids
- Conversation Topics that are off limits: The Kids, The Business or The Job, and The House!
Most importantly, we started the real work of studying and learning how to navigate masculine and feminine energy! This was big work for us.
It took me two years of studying everything I could get my hands on, to figure out how to get out of my masculine energy and back into my feminine. It was one of the hardest journeys of my life… and one of the most rewarding!
Paul went on his own journey, reconnecting to his rooted, immovable mature masculine energy and learning how to bring that energy to our relationship in a way that helps us grow!
This is why Paul and I are so passionate about teaching people all around the world “exactly how” to get back into your true-core energy and reignite their passion!
Today, the passion, intimacy and sensuality in our relationship is beyond words! I honestly didn’t know that humans could have this kind of daily, ravishing, deeply satiating passion with each other! Our intimacy is way hotter than it was when we were in our twenties!
Click here to get our free ebook “It Does NOT Take Two to Tango”
In fact, it cracks us up, because everywhere we go people always ask if we just got married! They can feel our passionate energy for one another! Truthfully, we can’t keep our hands off of each other even though we’ve been together 20 years and have two kids and crazy busy lives!
But we didn’t start out this way! We created this! It wasn’t easy. There’s no magic pill. We did the work!
Fortunately, it doesn’t have to take you as long as it took us! You don’t have to suffer and struggle as much as we did, trying to figure this out on your own!
In fact, in a shorter amount of time than you think, it can be hotter and more electric than it ever was!
HOW?
Paul and I have taken our knowledge, experience, and wisdom from over 15 years of study and implementation in our own relationship, and created our proven 8 step Relationship Transformation System!
No matter where your relationship is today, when you master these 8 essentials you will know how to:
- Reignite your passion
- Reconnect with your partner, stronger than ever
- Create your rock solid-alignment, and unshakable love
- Be loved for your authentic self; getting the attention and support that you crave and deserve
- Unleash your passion and create ravishing and satisfying daily intimacy that will blow your mind!
Click here to get our free ebook “It Does NOT Take Two to Tango”
Sending love,
Stacey
P.S. If you want our help in getting that passion back, check out our programs and live events: https://relationshipdevelopment.org/programs