50 Shades of…whaaaaattt?!?!


50 Shades of GreyWe went to see 50 Shades of Grey. I really wish this movie was about sex….but it’s not. Bummer!

There are many commentaries out describing 50 Shades as a movie about abuse…but it’s not (at least not the kind of abuse everyone is referring to).

First let’s get it straight about abuse. This movie IS very much about abuse, but NOT the kind of abuse everyone is gabbing about

People are going on and on saying this movie is a story about a man abusing a woman.

I completely disagree with that.

I could talk about this for 3 hours, but honestly the word “abuse” is really thrown around these days and people use it to mean whatever the hell they want. Too many people use the word “abuse” to create sensationalism and make trite observations... I don’t do sensationalism, and I definitely don’t do trite. So I’m not going to participate in that garbage talk.

In my professional opinion, there was zero abuse between the adult male and female characters in this film. He hit her. She consented to it and then decided that it was not acceptable. In my professional assessment, that is not “abuse.” It’s not awesome… but it’s not abuse. Everyone has shitty experiences in life, of varying degrees.

The term “Abuse” really lacks parameters these days. Too many people have a definition of abuse that includes “someone not treating you the way you want to be treated.” That’s not abuse.

So while 50 Shades is not at all about abuse between the male and female characters, it is, ironically, very much a story about a man’s journey from the abuse he suffered as a child and his coping with that trauma.

(Spoiler alert…if you haven’t seen the movie and plan to, maybe don’t read this)

In the movie 50 Shades of Grey, we see the story of a boy who was physically abused and traumatized before the age of four, in the presence of his mother.

It’s very understandable that a 4-year-old who seeks safety from a woman who lets him experience pain, would create an association with pain and love at a very young age. At the age of 15 an older, mother-figure female repeated this pattern with him of providing pain and “love/connection,” and combined it with sexual pleasure & release, making it an addiction for this boy.

As most people do, he continued using his coping mechanisms to meet his six human needs through the vehicles that he has been conditioned to through life, and eventually he repeated these patterns to meet his needs, as the one delivering the pain as he got older.

Now about the sex…I wish 50 Shades of Grey was about sex and consentual S&M between lovers. But it’s not at all about that. That is very sad to me, because 50 Shades of Grey is ‘marketed’ as eroticism, when it is NOT.

I believe that people today are so STARVING for main street acceptable erotica that they are flocking to this movie to fulfill their needs for that kind of energy and surge of sexual sensation.

There is plenty of beautiful, healthy eroticism available today! And it has NOTHING to do with abuse, coping, and being trapped in the blue print of a child violently hurt under the age of four.

S&M, erotica and bondage can all be a wonderful and healthy part of a consentual sexual relationship between two adults who want those experiences. It’s not for everyone. Neither is pistachio ice cream…but it’s somebody’s favorite flavor!

And if your flavor of that experience includes being tied up, S&M, erotica or dressing up like Wilma and Fred Flintstone…go for it and have fun! Everything is awesome between two consentual partners taking their passion to new heights.

I wish that was what this movie was about.

But unfortunately, it was about a boy who hasn’t recovered from some pretty serious trauma and is living out the blue print and coping mechanisms that he created at a very young age during some traumatic moments in his life. (Our blueprint is how we have wired ourselves, the software that runs our show.)

Women everywhere flocked to the movies in the hopes of having a nice (wet) surge of pleasure from watching a masculine man take his woman over and over and over again into levels of extreme pleasure….unfortunately, there were some key mistakes made that left women unsatisfied and a bit dry…I’ll discuss those mistakes in next week’s article!

Now, I only saw the movie….I have not read the books (and I’m not going to), so my entire perspective is 100% solely based on the movie 50 Shades of Grey.

As a strategic interventionist, I found the movie very fascinating. (Blueprints, vehicles, pattern interrupts, masculine/feminine energy, six human needs, coping strategies…all kinds of cool stuff going on)

As a passion expert….this was not a movie about sex, so that was a disappointment.

Fortunately, I didn’t stay disappointed long… Paul took me home and…well, you know…he more than made up for the sexually ecstatic experience I was longing for!

Did you see the movie? What was your take away from it? Post a comment below…I can’t wait to hear your perspective! I promise to personally respond to all comments!!

Sending love (and passion!)


25 thoughts on “50 Shades of…whaaaaattt?!?!

  1. Stacey,

    Hey girl! Though the movie was good, I don't think it did the book justice. However, you're totally correct about 2 things! It's not just about sex (which those who read the books knew) or abuse! And I love you for saying that! Everything was consensual. The book explains the deep, dark, twisted past of Christian Grey better, furthering evidencing that this book is not about a man abusing the woman he loves but learning how to actually love because of the anude in his past. I'm excited to hear more of your thoughts! 🙂

  2. I actually just read the trilogy for the second time Very recently. I agree with you that this movie isn’t about abuse of women. Actually the second time reading it, I was able to not just focus on all the sex scenes ( which are EXTREMELY juicy by the way) and read it for its bigger picture. The author I must say, really must understand what relationships need to be healthy. Not Everyone may agree with me, I know my best friend doesn’t, lol. Anna truly is a remarkable, intelligent, confident young woman who happens to find and love a complicated man with issues, but understands filly what she gets into and accepts him even when he can’t accept himself. She is actually the beacon of light he needs to get out of the darkness his mind and experiences have leg him become. I don’t want to say much more without spoiling the story for those who haven’t read it. Christian is an egotistical, bossy man, but Ana holds her ground and is able to teach him that loving one another doesn’t mean they must stoop to please or bend to the others will. They can still argue and disagree and be independent while at the same time, need each other and love each other by respecting their differences and accepting one another for who they are. I highly this series to anyone (old and mature enough to read it) if only to get that message.

    1. Beautifully said Crystal. What you are describing is unconditional love….loving without keeping score, loving the beautiful parts and the parts of us that we fear are unlovable. It’s inspiring that you pulled that message from the story! How wonderful! And thanks for the info…I’m glad the sex scenes in the book were juicy 😉 Bless You!

  3. lifefight46 (signed in using yahoo)
    I wanted to agree with you about abuse and your definition in this movie and I think outside of this movie. It is abuse. One has to be verbally or emotionally or spiritually abused in some form to consent to being hit. Being hit and spoken to in perverse manners are not normal. And the desire to want to plunk your toe into those areas is from a sickness. Either one being subjected to…through abuse or one choosing to because society states this is acceptable…try this.
    There is a conditioning labeled in a pretty package that makes one think this is ooohlala…
    whether or not she said know after the first contact is sadly not the point. The fact is, she believed she deserved to even give this a moment of consideration. That is abuse. The view we contain of women is horrendous. That we are secondary, if even that to a man, must change and be the sweet, enduring all suffering while an abuser pummels us is insanity and the highest form of self hate known to mankind.
    The mere fact that she went past the point of him stalking her and decided she needed to listen to this poor tortured soul is unthinkable. Do we not tell women, why did you not report or run from a man when they do this. No we tell them they should stay and love the person. You do not have to be around someone to love them and earnestly pray for their soul. A woman must not endure anothers illness to love them.
    This movie and books, along with your comments tells a woman to endure this psychotic behavior, because well we are to be punching bags in all forms. He knew full well what had damaged him and he chose to stay there instead of heal. Nobody is safe around someone who is of that attitude…no one.
    This was not cute..sweet sexy erotic play. It was flat out abuse. Perhaps it would serve all women and men and children if we spoke truth to them and told them it was not our responsibility to fix another or endure their illness. We are commissioned to serve…we are to see what we really are…and we struggle because we have distorted ourselves profoundly.
    One last point if I may…You mentioned you went to this movie because it was hopefully about sex…that troubled me. Why have we as a society believe watching others have sex is okay….? That is porn. Nobody should ever view what goes on between two lovers..ever…it is not a public event. It is lovemaking the way two people make love. reducing it to public viewing is why we have PORN, sex trafficking…etc. Sex is SACRED…and nobody should hear about it…ever. As I have said to my lover…what goes on in this room is between you and I, viewed by no one. We make love. I love on you and you on me. The minute you step out of that you step into self hate and loathing. Because at that point you are simply trying to prove something to yourself. Rather than seeing yourself as enormously beautiful and sacred.

    1. Ms. Martino, where is your reply to Mandy Carroll’s comments? Although I don’t agree with everything, I think she makes some very valid points. Would love to read your reply. It saddens me that as a relationship expert that you would support such a movie. It is not a women’s job to fix another man. If Anna was your daughter, could you honestly say that you would encourage her to be in such a disturbed and controlling relationship? I don’t think any healthy and loving person would. Take away the money and good looks and I’m pretty certain that people would have a very different reaction.

      1. Hi Sandy, I’m not sure I understand you sweetie. I did reply to her comment, above, when she posted as “lifefight46”, do you see it dearest? And, like I explained to her, the statements you are making were not made by me. I never said that it’s a woman’s job to fix another man, those are your words. And I never said that I encourage the female character to be in that relationship. As I pointed out to lifefight46, I don’t share your judgments about certain behaviors being “disturbed” “controlling” or “healthy”, those are your opinions and you are welcome to have them and enjoy them. As a relationship expert, I don’t engage in judging others, I serve all humans, wherever they are on their journey. Thank you for sharing here.

  4. Ok, I just wrote a huge comment but think it wasn’t sent through so I’ll try to sum up briefly what I said. Lol! This was just meant to be about the sex and isn’t about abuse, I agree.

    It’s about a man that has very deep issues, who is imperfect, and has to have control in order to cope with the lack of control he had as a child due to his abuse. Ana comes along and all that control is blown out the window. Before he just existed. Through finding love in her, he was finally able to live and feel emotions that he kept himself from feeling ever since his first sexual encounter with Mrs. Robinson. I just recently read the trilogy for the second time and was able to focus on the relationship dynamic more than just the sex scenes ( which are all mind blowing, by the way).

    It actually taught me a lot about loving another unconditionally and accepting them faults and all because we are all works in progress. Christian is egotistical and controlling and overprotective and Ana must fight over and over to show him that that being in a relationship means giving each other both what they need, and that won’t always be the same thing to one another. Ana is a loving, confident, strong, independent woman that shows Christian how to love while being patient and understanding of his needs and issues as well. She loves and accepts him for who he is even though he can’t do that for himself. It’s so much more! I highly recommend this series ( as long as you are old and mature enough to handle its sexual content of course.)

  5. Thanks for sharing your insights Stacey! I bought the book during all the hype, but didn’t even like it enough to finish it. I never had any interest in seeing the movie and now you have confirmed that I don’t really need to. I agree that the term abuse has become too widely used. While I see abuse as a serious problem I worry that when it is sensationalized like this, the meaning gets a little bit lost. I believe the same can be said for the word bullying, which is also being bandied about, but that is for another time.

    1. Well I certainly agree Tiffany. Abuse is a very serious problem…unfortunately, in my line of work it’s something that I help people FREE themselves from every single day. While it’s not easy to do, I’m honored to serve people and help them start living the life they want instead of living our a sentence that was handed to them from what was done to them. And I too get concerned when “abuse” is thrown around loosely or sensationalized in the media like the “sound bits” off this movie…because the meaning gets lost. And yes, the same for bullying.
      That’s why, regardless of the potential outrage that may come from people throwing the word “Abuse” around and people who want to JUDGE others…I wrote the article anyway. Thank you for sharing here sweetie! Love you!

  6. Total agree – the lack of sex was disappointing.

    I think the thing that attracted me to the books was something I didn’t really understand until working with you and Paul. It’s really freaking hard to be a woman but living in masculine presence – and quite frankly exhausting. Being in the divine feminine requires surrender and trust – and in very high levels. I am positive that my attraction to 50 Shades was a deep desire to escape from the confines of control – a yearning to just realease and surrender. And trusting your man to the point when you are willing to be blindfolded and bound and surrender all control and trust that you will be led on an adventure of ecstasy that mixes pleasure and pain …

    So yes, when reading those books it spoke to something in my core being. The need for living in the feminine, releasing control, trusting, being open …
    I understand why I needed that then and am so happy that you and Paul have been guiding my husband and I on that journey to have passion in our lives again.

    No “abuse” required 🙂

    I also didn’t see any abuse in the film – just consenting adults exploring how to be passionate with each other.

    1. Beautifully said Jennifer! You make the best distinction (something I am writing about for the follow up article to this) about submission vs surrender!
      Yes, Paul and I teach SURRENDER…when a woman can completely stop controlling and directing and release, let go and surrender to her man who is leading her for HER best interest!
      What this movie shows is submission…where a man dominates a woman for HIS best interest, in spite of what is best for his woman…and as YOU know…that is bullshit!

      I am so thrilled for you, as a woman, to enjoy the escape from your masculine energy and surrender to your husband…who has the best of intentions for you Jennifer!

      Love you! Stacey

  7. Great explanation! Yep, he is clearly struggling with the deep connections he made as a child. There's only so much you can share in a movie, so I figured there was more to the "story". Thanks for sharing Kymmie! I'm excited to hear your perspective on the next article! We are going to dive into the masculine and feminine energy dynamic and how that is played with in the movie! 😉

  8. Hi LIfefight…thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I fully expected that some folks would be set off by my commentary, so I welcome you to share what's true for you. You are absolutely welcome to your own definition of abuse and the judgment that you have about what's "normal" "acceptable" or "horrendous". Those are your opinions and you are welcome to them.
    I will just say that your comment that my distinctions tell women to "endure this psychotic behavior" is simply untrue, but I encourage you to feel what you feel and live your life in accordance with your own rules. Thanks for engaging in the conversation.

  9. Stacy,

    As a lifelong fan of yours I am so glad you are talking about this. I did not read the books because I have a very wonderful and creative sex life. But this is just a movie about the recurring patterns of a little boy, and it was very disheartening. They had an opportunity to really take us on a journey of redemption, breakthrough and love/lust. But no. Honestly, I wanted to give them all a time-out when the movie was over. Bunch of baby love!

    Having said that BDSM can be very fun when you are a "bad" girl and need some dark energy.

  10. Stacy,

    As a lifelong fan of yours I am so glad you are talking about this. I did not read the books because I have a very wonderful and creative sex life. But this is just a movie about the recurring patterns of a little boy, and it was very disheartening. They had an opportunity to really take us on a journey of redemption, breakthrough and love/lust. But no. Honestly, I wanted to give them all a time-out when the movie was over. Bunch of baby love!

    Having said that BDSM can be very fun when you are a "bad" girl and need some dark energy.

  11. Well said Gail!!! I agree with you…there is still an opportunity for a great story to be shared. Perhaps not related to 50 Shades, but the real story you describe! I would happily enjoy that story! Yeah, lots of Level One love going on….I talk about that in next weeks article when describing the masculine and feminine energy dynamics in the film (lots of immature masculine – selfish!)
    Oh Gail….It makes me SMILE to hear you say you are having FUN as a "bad" girl!!! Go have fun darling!!! Go Play! 😉

  12. Hi Stacey! All I have to say is that this article MUST go Viral. It has to. Because I think you're absolutely on point although it pisses some people off but I totally get you. I didn't see the movie, I read the books, and when you get to understand the characters more, you will see that he works through it. It's 2 consenting adults. Not abuse.

  13. So happy to see you commented on the movie. I had the same takeaway, but in my case it made me want to finish reading the books. I read only the first one reluctantly. I did not continue because I thought the rest of the books were just going to be about the sex and I was over it, lolol! After watching the movie, I realized that there was more to the trilogy that I missed out on so i’m in the process of reading books II and III to get the full story….. I need the happy ending to the story! Or, so I hope there is a happy ending between the characters, I shall find out 🙂

    1. Ahhhh….I look forward to hearing more about your take aways from finishing the books Ingrid! Thank you so much for commenting and sharing here that you had the same take away! Love you!

  14. Thank you so much Janet! I appreciate your support deeply and I honor your positive intention for this message to get out to serve in a big way! I'm so happy to hear that in the story he eventually works through this….life is so tough and my hope is that everyone finds there way to heal, grow and be the best version of themselves regardless of what they have been through.
    Yes, this will piss certain people off….but those people are quick to judge and condem someone who has been through his own hell and is struggling to heal. We can't serve people we judge. Thank you for sharing here Janet! Love you!

  15. This movie was the poorest attempt to the be the 9 1/2 weeks of the 2000's I've seen yet… what a joke! The sex was mediocre — not even erotic in the slightest… it was more 10th grade sex than anything S&M 🙁 I didn't read one page of the books, but giggled when zillions complained it was written at a 6th grade level. Geez, I wonder why? (can you say most people in America don't even read 1 book/year). As for the plot, I wrote one line down from Christian, "When you relinquish control, you'll find freedom." (He said that when he explained to her how he got into S&M and why he accepted his mom's friend's sexual doings) As for her, I liked that she kept her dignity at the end (Yeah for being a strong woman — we don't hear enough stories like that). Other than that, I've enjoyed being called Johnny "Grey" Goose by my girlfriend for a few weeks and how the movie inspired me to melt my Valentines chocolates in peculiar spots this week (tee hee, tee hee) — great blog Stacey!!!

  16. Thank you for sharing John! That quote is excellent….it's true – For a WOMAN! When a woman can relinquish control to a MATURE masculine man who leads her for HER best interest, relinquishing control (surrendering in vulnerability) is very freeing! For a man, however, relinquishing control is NOT freedom! I write much more about this in next week's article!

  17. I 1,000% agree with you Stacey that this was not about abuse. And agree that the movie didn’t do the book true justice, but what movie written from a book ever has?? As you read through these books you learn about the characters intimately – not the quick gloss over that they had to do for the movie (otherwise it would have been a 6hour movie). This is part one of a series that I think shows our basal desires for dark energies to be explored and how that can bring two people together in one way and gets them to grow/change into happier healthier individuals with each other. It’s like life, we go through so many different experiences and choose whether to grow from these – 50 Shades of Grey is like a snapshot of one part of that experience!!

    1. Brillant Thule!! ” It’s like life, we go through so many different experiences and choose whether to grow from these”….That is as TRUE as it gets my darling!!! Your perspective is very illuminating! Thank you so much for sharing here!!! Love to you….from all the way across the world!!! MUAH!

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