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Transforming Your Relationship: Are you in an Accidental Relationship– One Without a Vision?

Stacey Martino

Enjoy Stacey’s Column from the current issue of Aspire Magazine…

Let me ask you a question, “what is your vision for your relationship?”

Crazy question huh?

Ever thought about it that way before? No? You are not alone! Most people NEVER think of their love relationship that way. But as Steven Covey said “You can’t hit a target you can’t see.”

So if you don’t have a vision for your relationship, what are you creating?

You are creating the relationship you are living in.

With every moment, every decision, every word, every action, every experience you participate in, you are creating our relationship every day. You are currently living in the relationship you have created with your decisions and actions from yesterday.

And tomorrow, you will be living in the relationship you created with the decisions and actions you make today.

So, I ask you again…. what relationship are you creating? What is your vision for your relationship? If you have never thought about it this way or done this work, the relationship you are in today is an Accidental Relationship. A relationship created moment by moment, primarily unconsciously and in reaction to the other person.

Just to show you the juxtaposition, what is an area of your life that you have a GOAL for? Say it out loud. Ok, now for that area, what is your VISION?

Comes pretty easily doesn’t it?

You put intention to it, got clear on it, created a goal for it and now you can take action towards it. Because you got clear on your outcome, as moments, opportunities and decisions come up, you have a FILTER for making your choices…does it take me closer to my goal or not?

This makes you purposeful and living proactively in that area of your life. It empowers you to make progress in the direction you want to go. That builds confidence, and feels meaningful! And you are increasing your likelihood of moving towards your goal. And even before you reach your goal, you FEEL good on the journey!

If you consciously knew your vision for your relationship, you would feel the same level of confidence, purpose, and meaning as you took strategic action towards creating it.

If you knew with supreme clarity the characteristics of the relationship that makes your heart sing; if you were crystal clear on what you must have and just as clear about what you must not have; if every day you had a filter to use in making your decisions, asking if this takes you closer to your vision or not; if you felt purposeful and that you were living proactively instead of in reaction. If you were empowered to move and progress in the direction you want to go…you would feel happier on the journey and happier about the relationship you were creating.

So, how does one create a relationship vision? Well, first of all….you don’t need to create it, it’s already inside of you.

How do I know?

Because every day you are evaluating your partner and your relationship and deciding if it makes you happy or unhappy, moment to moment. When you say or think things like….

• I can’t believe he said that
• Why didn’t he do this instead of that
• I just wish he would …
• That’s not what I want to hear
• He’s doing that….again

You are doing it, consciously or unconsciously every time your partner does something, doesn’t do something, says something or doesn’t say something. You are deciding whether you are “happy” with that or “not so happy” with that.

QUESTION: What are you evaluating your partner and relationship against? What are you measuring the “reality” against to decide if it’s good or not?

ANSWER: Your relationship vision. The one that is inside of you. The one that tells you what you want your relationship to be… what you thought it would be.

So it’s time to pull that vision out of you and look at it. You already have it inside of you, and it’s impacting you daily. I’m just bringing the flashlight so we can have a look-see. I encourage you to get started on exploring your vision for your ultimate relationship… the one that makes your heart sing. So you can start creating it.


“My ultimate relationship would be like…”

As you walk through the exercise of exploring your relationship vision, focus your intention on the “relationship” that you want, not the partner. Don’t limit yourself or your visioning by your partner, your current circumstances or anything. Let your imagination take over and consider this a fantasy exercise.

Journal your thoughts and feelings using relationship focus, like “my relationship would be playful”. And avoid partner focus like “my partner would be playful”.

Focusing on your partner is a form of blame. And when you blame, you place all the power to change things in the hands of the person you are blaming and render yourself powerless. Don’t do that. Focus on the relationship and what you want to create.

And suspend the disbelief that you can create it someday.

If you had told me 15 years ago when my husband was walking out the door, that today we would be wildly passionate for each other, rock-solid, indestructible and teaching thousands of people around the world to create the same unshakable love and unleashed passion for themselves…I would have told you that you were crazy.

And yet, here we are…doing exactly that and living in a relationship so far past anything I could have ever dreamed up back then! So everything is possible darling! Suspend disbelief! If I can do it, YOU can do it too!

Just getting clear on what you want to create, will empower you with confidence, purpose, meaning and the joy of living intentionally…. instead of living another day in your accidental relationship.

Sending love


P.S. You do not need your partner to get on board and do this with you in order for this to work for you! It only takes ONE partner to transform a relationship… ANY relationship! Click here to get our “Score Your Relationship System” free –