Connie was in a real pickle.
Her relationship with her partner was broken and complicated…so much so, she wasn’t even sure whether they were “officially” split up, or whether they were working their way back to each other.
What she was sure about is that they didn’t trust each other romantically.
“Stacey, I understand why he did what he did, and I take responsibility for my part in that, but I can’t let go of the fear that he will do it again,” she told me. “I haven’t been able to forgive his actions.”
Plus, Connie found herself feeling jealous at the thought of him sleeping with someone else.
I’m so glad Connie brought this up, because it’s something Paul and I see a LOT of.
In step five of our eight-step Relationship Transformation system, Paul and I teach a forgiveness process, and one of the things we talk about is that forgiveness alone does not build trust.
Yet we (and you too, I bet!) hear all the time how we’re supposed to forgive AND trust in one fell swoop…as if trust and forgiveness are a package deal, and you can’t do one without the other or you’re a “bad person.”
That’s total crap!
Trust and forgiveness are two completely different things, and just because you’ve experienced forgiveness for something that happened with someone doesn’t mean you have to also instantly trust that person.
It certainly doesn’t make you a “bad person” if you don’t.
Forgiveness and Trust do NOT impact each other. Having one does not create the other. They are both STRATEGICALLY created and they are created very differently.
We recently opened our 14-Day Boost for Your Relationship program for the first time! Over 500 people enrolled in it! It was amazing.
During days 1 through 5 of the 14-Day Boost we took our students through our unique 5-Step Forgiveness Process™.
The results were AMAZING!
In fact, they were TOO GOOD!
What does that even mean? How can results become TOO GOOD??
Well, the results that they got from our Forgiveness tool were SO good that our students kept asking us how they could use Forgiveness to FIX a whole slew of other problems in their relationships.
How can I forgive XYZ, when she did it again yesterday.
How can I forgive XYZ, when this is something that I know he’s still doing.
I will tell you exactly what I told them….
FORGIVENESS is ONLY a tool for the PAST!
You cannot use forgiveness for things going on in the present (in the NOW).
You need a different tool for the NOW.
We have over 300 tools in our Relationship Development tool box, and there are tools for the stuff you need to SOLVE in the NOW.
Similarly, TRUST is a NOW tool.
Once you experience forgiveness, you need to create TRUST in the NOW.
There is a strategic process for creating TRUST.
Back to our student Connie…
To help Connie find a place where she could experience forgiveness, and then create trust — plus help her figure out whether she and her partner were going their separate ways, or working their way back toward each other — here’s what I said:
Too often, we focus on fixing the marriage relationship or the love relationship.
But what we need to be doing is healing the friendship first — and if there are kids involved, rescuing the co-parenting relationship — to where we’re both in a place of heartfelt understanding for our partner, and at peace with ourselves.
This allows us to genuinely want the best for our partner AND for ourselves.
When you reach the place of saving the friendship and creating a harmonious co-parenting relationship, from that place, you will be much clearer as to whether you want to rebuild your marriage, or co-parent harmoniously together as a family while you create a forever-love relationship with another partner.
Either way, finding that peace and heartfelt compassion to want what’s best for you, your partner and your family is the key.
See, a big part of creating trust is RAPPORT! And most of the time when we are struggling with TRUSTING our partner, we have lost rapport with them.
You will not trust someone you have lost rapport with.
There is another key component to trust, but we will talk about that another day.
There is a step-by-step process for rebuilding rapport with your partner!
I know, no one teaches us this stuff and it’s so critical! That’s why Paul and I are teaching as much as we can! Everyone deserves this.
I hope you consider joining our next 14-Day Boost for Your Relationship program! You can check it out at 14DayBoost.com