“I just think maybe I married the wrong person for me.”
I hear that a lot.
And Carrie was no different. She struggled wondering if maybe her hubby just wasn’t the right partner for her.
She wanted a real PARTNER in marriage and no matter how much she tried to get him to be “partners” with her, it just wasn’t working. As he would say, “That’s just not me.”
Carrie was so unhappy and so worried.
What was she going to do? Even her partner was telling her that he just wasn’t the kind of guy that she wanted him to be. Should she just end it? Should she settle and stay for the kids? Was she being crazy to want a real partner in marriage, parenting, the house … in life!? How could she stay with someone that just wasn’t right for her?
I listened to Carrie and asked some questions about WHAT was actually going on.
I dug a little deeper on what a “real partner” meant to her.
I asked for more specifics on what her partner actually said to her.
What did I find?
Well, Carrie, like so many women, was on the verge of making a HUGE MISTAKE!
What did having a real partner mean for Carrie?
- Someone to grow with
- Someone who listens to her
- Someone who can lead with the kids, make decisions with her about the house, travel with her, read books and share what they learned
- Someone to cook with, who would support her, understand her, share the burden, have fun together, talk about things….
There was a lot more on that list actually. That’s the short version.
There are TWO HUGE MISTAKES here… (do you see them yet)??
ONE: A lot of what she describes that she wants in a real partner is her describing a woman. And her husband is a guy. So that’s kinda a non-starter.
A LOT of women do this. A LOT. A LOT, A LOT, A LOT!
They get upset with their husbands because their husbands don’t interact with them the way another woman would.
The Masculine and the Feminine are completely different!
They are equal, of course. But they are not the same!
But since we never get a real relationship education, we get upset, frustrated, pissed and offended… when our partner responds to us in a way that we never would never.
You can swap your partner out for another one… you’re gonna run into a lot of the same shit!
TWO: She had so many expectations of what a “real partner” would DO in the marriage, parenting and household.
So I asked her, “Carrie, before you got pregnant with your first kid, did you and Mark sit down and map out WHO would do WHAT in the marriage, with the kids and in the house?”
Her answer was NO (laughing… how absurd right?).
“Ok Carrie,” I said, “After you had your kids, at any time, did you and Mark sit down and map out who was going to do WHAT in the marriage, with the kids and in the house?”
Her answer was NO (this time she was frowning because she realized that they never did talk about this).
So, I asked her the BIG QUESTION:
“Carrie, if I were to ask Mark, WHAT it is that HE does as his role in the marriage, with the kids and in the house, what would HE tell me?”
Carrie smiled sadly as she started to realize where I was going with this… tears filled her eyes as she said,
“He would tell you that every day for 15 years, he goes to a job that he hates, to make a lot of money so that I get to live my dream of being a stay-at-home mom, taking care of our kids and cooking healthy food for us. He would tell you that his job is to come home after work every night to see his kids and protect his wife and family while they sleep. He would say that his job is to pay for and manage the repairs and maintenance of our home so that I don’t have to. And he would tell you that his ONE other job is to pick ONE of our family vacation spots each year so that he gets to go somewhere he likes with his week off.”
She was crying as she finished her list.
So I said to her, “Carrie, what do you think that Mark thinks is YOUR role?”
And she said, “To be a stay-at-home mom, do the parenting, run the house and prepare the meals.”
So I told her, “Carrie, most families enter into the stay-at-home-parent phase of life and they never actually map out the roles. They both have invisible assumptions. The parent who works at a job outside the house assumes that their role is to bring in the cash. And they assume that the stay-at-home parent’s job is to handle Kids, House and Food. And we never map it out. It’s a really common dynamic. And you can change it, when you implement the tools to explicitly design your family life.”
Carrie’s eyes widened as if she realized something HORRIBLE!
She said, “OMG, Stacey. What if I had divorced my husband!?! What if I never got this realization from you and I broke my family apart!? OMG. I almost made the biggest mistake of my life! Mark is a truly great man! I’ve yelled at him a million times and a million times he has said to me, ‘Carrie, I’m only doing this for YOU’ and I never understood what he meant until this moment. I feel sick. I’m so sorry.”
I said, “Carrie… stop. How could you know? No one ever told you before now. Mark was just as unaware as you were. Neither of you could fix it because neither of you had the tools. And NOW, you are here, doing the work, so that you can be the hero for your family!”
Carrie was SO GRATEFUL that she went to the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat (our 3-day live event) or she never would have had that breakthrough (that probably saved her family).
Do you see how EASY it is to make a HORRIBLE mistake in relationships?
There are so many kerfuffles that happen because we just don’t KNOW!
We only do Relationship Breakthrough Retreat ONE TIME each year! Do NOT miss the next one!
Did you hear?? We ANNOUNCED the dates and location for Relationship Breakthrough Retreat 2020!!
Are you ready to MARK YOUR CALENDAR?
Watch this video where Paul and I announced the dates and location for RBR2020: http://relationshipbreakthroughretreat.com/
Tickets available soon!
We will see you there,