“To discover I have been punching him in the face really made me sad,” Carla admitted.
We were talking about masculine core energy vs. feminine core energy, and Carla, like a lot of women, believed her core energy was most likely masculine.
The reason she believed as much was because, when she heard Paul and I describe the traits of both feminine and masculine core energies, the feminine didn’t resonate at all.
And since Carla’s working her way through our relationship transformation system, she’s learned how operating from her masculine often creates conflicts between her and her husband.
“I could see how my husband and I could be rubbing each other wrong,” she added.
Now I, myself, used to operate heavily from my masculine — so much so I felt disdain towards feminine core energy — so I get it.
Operating from the masculine is a place a LOT of women we work with find themselves in.
We do that in order to protect ourselves.
What happens once we’ve spent SO much time there, is a lot of women falsely believe their energy is masculine.
Not only was that happening to Carla, she’d also fallen into the trap of blaming herself for causing her husband pain by operating from her masculine…“punching him in the face,” as she put it.
Again, this is something that went on between Paul and I. I’ve caused him a lot of pain during our time together.
But I don’t blame myself for it, and here’s why.
Blame is like slow-acting poison for relationships. It leads to a long, painful “death.”
Very often that blame manifests in the form of blaming your partner for all they’re doing — or NOT doing — to “make” you happy (which is a whole other conversation).
And when our students start learning about Relationship Development®, at times they can wield that knowledge against their partner like we’d wield a fancy sword — what Paul and I call educated blame.
A sword’s still a sword, fancy or not, which is why, in Relationship Development, we don’t allow blame in any form — not directed at our partner, but also not directed at ourselves.
Today, my husband thanks me every single day for giving him the life he never got to have before — a life better than he ever thought was possible.
I have no doubt Carla’s husband will be thanking her in the same way soon enough.
As the saying goes: When we know better, we do better. Beating yourself up for not acting on knowledge you didn’t have won’t save your marriage.
So let’s put aside the self-defeating urge to blame ourselves, and move straight to doing better.