One of the many reasons “couple’s work” DOESN’T work is because it inevitably turns into a “blame & sides” show, with more scorekeeping than the World Series.
Blame is classic demand relationship, and because we’ve all grown up surrounded by nothing but demand relationship, it’s all we know until we find Relationship Development®.
Demand relationship mindsets and tendencies are so deeply ingrained, they can sneak in without you realizing, even if you’re a Relationship Transformer who’s learned how destructive demand relationship tactics are.
I remember a live Q&A call with a student who was just learning about masculine core energy and feminine core energy, and she told me, “Stacey, my husband points out when I’m operating in my masculine because he says it triggers him. It triggers me when he points it out, so I accuse him of being immature masculine.”
This student asked me how to stay in her feminine, perhaps thinking if she could always avoid operating in her masculine, it would prevent her husband’s trigger, which would prevent her trigger.
First of all, switching from a masculine operating system to a feminine operating system is a journey, not an event. It’s not a switch you just flip and ta-da! You’re there!
But here’s the real answer that might surprise you – the truth is – operating exclusively from her feminine was NOT going to FIX this situation.
No, the real problem here was good ol’ blame.
Educated blame, to be precise.
The temptation to wield that fancy educated blame like a sword is strong for a lot of people, but just because you’re throwing around Relationship Development terms like “mature masculine” and “operating from the feminine” doesn’t mean the blame is any less destructive.
You have to be SO careful NOT to use our tools as a WEAPON against your partner!
My recommendation for this student was to take a pledge and vow to never, ever use educated blame to tear her partner down.
I also reminded her that they each need to run their own race vs. scorekeeping, and not compare their progress in Relationship Development with their partner’s.
It’s so easy to slip back to our old Demand Relationship ways of scorekeeping, watching our partner to see if they are doing what WE want them to do and judging them.
Relationship Development works when YOU work it. Get the skills and tools to stop doing demand relationship and start IMPLEMENTING those tools so you can get results.
Your fancy sword of Educated Blame isn’t fixing anything (it’s just creating more problems).