How many times have you heard one of these crap statements about being in relationship?
- “It’s all about compromise.”
- “There’s give and take.”
- “Something’s gotta give.”
If this stuff is supposed to be the “key” to forever love, why is our divorce rate higher than ever?
And why does most couple’s therapy have a staggering 80% divorce rate?
Because demand relationship is so ingrained in our society! A myth Paul and I constantly have to debunk is that Relationship Development® “forces” you to “please” your partner.
As in, “Well, since I’m not supposed to demand things from my partner, that means I have to settle, compromise, do what they want and hope my needs fit in somewhere along the way.”
Let’s start with the fact that pleasing and giving are NOT the same thing.
Pleasing is agreeing to do something someone else wants you to do, but that you don’t want to do.
It feels like shit, doesn’t it?
Pleasing is another form of win-lose.
The BOOMERANG emotion from Pleasing is RESENTMENT.
Take that in for a minute – that’s a game-changer!
Giving, on the other hand, is doing something for somebody else because YOU want to, and it feels amazing.
Think about the last time you did something for somebody else because YOU wanted to, not because you were worried about being “a good person” or “not making waves.”
It felt incredible, didn’t it?
You didn’t feel pressured to do it, angry and bitter about it — nothing like that. Instead, it filled you up!
THAT is giving.
(For the record, the opposite of pleasing is NOT being an asshole. That’s another area we see trip people up. You can stay authentic without being an ass.)
Paul and I are huge givers — we absolutely love it — but we are NOT pleasers, because pleasing is still demand relationship.
There are two roles in demand relationship: the Power player and non-power player.
Pleasing moves you from the power player role into the non-power player role.
BOTH roles are destructive.
I get it if this is a lot to wrap your mind around. We’ve ALL been raised, since early childhood, to operate from demand relationship.
In fact, as kids, we become pleasers (or conformers) to make our parents happy in order to get our needs met. Our survival, from a very young age, depends on pleasing.
So is it any wonder we bring that same blueprint into our adult relationships, including partner relationships?
This HAS to stop!
In Episode 11 of The Relationship Transformer Podcast, Paul and I teach how to STOP being a pleaser and what to do instead!
click here to listen to episode 11 “Stop Being A Pleaser.”
Contrary to what you’ve been conditioned to believe, pleasing does not create happiness. All it creates is resentment.
Showing up authentically in any situation is how you create happiness, and Paul and I will talk about that, too, in episode 11. Here’s the link to check it out;