“I heard you the first ten times!!” Sharon’s husband, Phil, snapped at the top of his lungs.
Sharon felt herself shutting down. Her jaw clenched like she was trying to crack walnuts with her teeth, and her lips pursed with rage, even as pressure from tears welled behind her eyes.
She hated it when Phil used that tone of voice with her–that loud, sharp, high-pitched tone that never failed to simultaneously cut her feelings like a dagger and piss her off.
Sharon knew she’d reminded him a few times now about getting a new belt for the lawn mower.
Being the “nagging wife” was NOT something she enjoyed.
But if she didn’t bring it up when he needed these reminders, he ALWAYS forgot, then got frustrated with himself later.
He worked long hours and had a lot on his plate. It was hard for him to keep track of every little thing. She understood that, and reminding him was her way of helping.
So all that being the case, WHY did he have to snap at her? Couldn’t he just say, “Thank you, dear,” and leave it at that?
Or better yet, get it done the first time she reminded him, so she wouldn’t have to “nag?”
If you’ve been following Relationship Development®, you already know one thing that’s going on with Sharon and Phil…
They’re both getting triggered.
And as far as they’re each concerned, those triggers are happening automatically…meaning they each believe they have no control over how they’re reacting to the other person.
In fact, if I were to ask them whether they could react differently, they’d both tell me, “Well, no. What other choice do I have? What he/she did was disrespectful. It just was, Stacey.”
Something you may not know about our brains is that they’re wired for survival.
Not just from things we perceive as physical threats, like someone threatening to kick our ass, or touching a hot burner, but also from emotional threats.
When we get triggered, and lash out in response, we’re “protecting” ourselves from something we perceive as an attack.
The key to changing from that knee-jerk reaction that breaks down your Unshakeable Love, to a response that builds it up, is finding what Paul and I call the Space Within the Moment™.
It’s something we teach in Relationship Development®. When you learn the tools to create that space, and maximize it as much as possible, you give yourself a moment to be able to respond instead of react.
So what’s the difference between responding and reacting?
Reaction is life by default. You’re reacting out of brain, out of trigger, out of survival.
Responding is life by design. You’re following your heart, and your spirit. You’re creating your life, rather than reacting to it.
EVERYTHING is a choice, and you can choose to either react or respond.
If you want to learn these skills & tools… join our 14-Day Boost for Your Relationship Program! We start on WEDNESDAY and this is the LAST time this year we will offer this 14 Day program, for just $47!
You can actually SOLVE kerfuffles like this! Have more PEACE and harmony in your home, and feel great about it!
Sign up NOW so you don’t miss out: 14DayBoost.com
See you on the inside,
P.S. So, part of you is siding with either Sharon or Phil, right?
(when you take sides, you are already wrong!)
Let’s see it play out… shall we?
Ok, so maybe you think Phil is an asshole and Sharon shouldn’t put up with that crap? That’s really common. Most women do not have a relationship education on how the masculine is wired completely differently than the feminine. So, they have no choice but to go around, viewing the masculine through a feminine lens. And if you did that, you’d likely think Phil was an asshole, because no “good” woman behaves like that.
Interestingly, most masculine men would read this and feel like Sharon was a bitch and Phil should just get out now instead of dying a slow death with that hellish woman. Maybe this perspective resonates for you?
It’s really common actually. Most men have NO idea how the feminine is wired. So they have no choice but to view the feminine through a masculine lens. And if you did that, you’d likely think that Sharon was a crazy, nagging shrew who emasculated men, and any man who behaved like that would get HIT by now for being a dick-head.
What’s the truth? Both and Neither!
Here’s the truth….
Men are single focused. Women have diffused awareness. Men’s brains are literally wired to focus on one thing at a time and block everything else out. Women have no real ability to “block” everything else out (we can effort to focus, but we certainly do not naturally just block out EVERYTHING).
Women have diffused awareness, we are aware of everything in our space and lots of other things involving our kids, house, spouse, family, friends, even the local dry cleaner (who happened to mention that a local family had a house fire recently and needs girls clothes in size 7 and I gotta remember to bring a bag of Grace’s old clothes over to him on my way to pick-up Jake after school)… oh yeah, we were talking about masculine and feminine differences… I’m back!
See what I mean 😉
Another difference between the masculine and feminine is that the feminine sees it as SUPPORTIVE to remind other people about stuff. Offering “unsolicited help” is supportive in the feminine model of the world.
For the masculine, when someone offers UNSOLICITED help, it implies that you don’t have confidence that he has his shit together and you think he “needs” you to get his shit done.
It’s emasculating and infuriating.
If another man did that to him, he’d have some choice words for him and tell him where he could stick his reminder. But you’re a girl, so he bites his tongue, swallows his anger and tries to ignore it (Paul calls this “taking the sword”).
UNTIL… until the 10th time that you emasculate him and he loses his ability to stuff his emotions anymore (which he was only doing to PROTECT you from his anger)… and he BLOWS his fuse!
When you are married to a partner, it is YOUR responsibility to understand how they are wired! Do not assume that they are LIKE you, because they are definitely NOT!
If you don’t have these differences down… get into the 14DayBoost.com program now!