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Transforming Your Relationship: The Authenticity Trap

Stacey Martino

Stacey’s “Transform Your Relationship” column can be seen in every issue of Aspire Magazine at

The only way to EVER have a successful relationship is to be your most authentic self!

Sounds reasonable right.

I’ll take it one step further….STOP compromising right now! Compromise is for SHIT! You can’t build an unshakable foundation to your relationship on compromise.

Compromise is based on the premise of having “good behavior”. And since you and I both know that we cannot have good behavior all the time, basing your relationship on compromise might not even get you through the day today! (I don’t know about you, but I can’t have good behavior for very long)

So that takes us back to the fundamental truth that you can only build an unshakable foundation to your relationship by being your authentic self.

And…Being your most authentic self is NOT the only fundamental truth to creating an unshakable foundation to your relationship.

Buckle up buttercup because I may ruffle a few feathers with this one….

If you want a MAGNIFICENT love affair… an unshakable love and unleashed passion that lasts a lifetime….do not fall into the “I got to be ME” crap!

Another fundamental truth to creating an unshakable foundation in your relationship is, you must stop making it about you!

Sounds contradictory to being your authentic self doesn’t it? Let me ask you two questions that will give you some insight into how we reconcile these two fundamental relationship truths.

Question #1: Do you want your partner to truly live as their most authentic and real self? Of course you do! If you love someone, you want them to go through this life embracing the person they truly are!

Question #2: Do you want your partner to be selfish and say “This is who I am and if you don’t like it too bad….I got to be me!” Um, Hell NO!

That’s why it is SO important to be careful of the Authenticity Trap™!

What is the Authenticity Trap™?

When you experience an over-correction in living as your authentic self and put your foot down, defend who you are and unwaveringly refuse to change.

It’s true, you should NOT change for anybody…..EXCEPT YOURSELF!

To have the life we truly desire, we all must change darling! We must GROW and EVOLVE into an even better version of ourselves every day! That’s our purpose here!

Very often we end up fed up and tired of all the compromise and pleasing. And when we get a taste of authenticity and how amazing that feels, we Over-Correct our past patterns. We dig in our heels, refuse to change and get defensive of who we are. We fall into the Authenticity Trap™.

It’s such a shame. And I don’t want to see you fall victim to this trap.

What’s the solution? How do we live as our authentic selves and not fall into the Authenticity Trap?

It comes down to the STANDARD that you have for yourself!

Have a higher standard for who you are and how you show up! Raise your standard for yourself! Don’t just be your most authentic self….

Be your BEST and most authentic self!

Your authentic self with a low standard says “this is who I am and if you don’t like it F-you!”

Your BEST and most authentic self with a high standard for yourself says “I’m being who I really am, I love myself and I will continue to do the work to be the best ME I can be, both for ME and for you.”

Grow and evolve yourself. Commit to be an even better version of yourself tomorrow! Take responsibility for understanding how your partner is wired and how to bring out the best in him/her! Elevate yourself. Strengthen your ability to have more compassion and heartfelt understanding for your partner. Honor your partner’s best and most authentic self. Do the work!

Have you been holding your partner to a higher standard than you have for yourself? Answer these two questions for yourself, being as honest as possible…

Question #1: Do you really want your partner to love you unconditionally for your authentic self, flaws and all?

Question #2: On a day to day basis, are you loving him/her unconditionally for his/her most authentic self….FLAWS and all?

Raise the standard you have for yourself, to love unconditionally. And lower the standard you have unreasonably held your partner to as you transform your relationship!

Don’t fall into the Authenticity Trap™! On your journey to your most authentic self, be mindful to have a HIGH standard for yourself!

Compromise never created a magnificent love affair. Selfishness never has either.

Be your BEST and most AUTHENTIC self in your relationship! That’s where the magic is!