My clients know that keeping score or measuring what your partner gives you in exchange for what you give them is a relationship transformation killer!
And yet, so many people keep score in their relationship. By definition, a 50/50 relationship implies that you are keeping score. How else do you know if it’s 50/50 unless you are measuring?! Right??
Having a 50/50 relationship, keeping score, measuring…it all leads to relationship TROUBLE!
Your partner is a separate human being than you are. So, by definition, they think, feel, process and act differently than you do. (With me so far?)
So, when you measure what they are giving you, they will always come up short because they aren’t giving it to you the way you would have done it for yourself. They will never meet your expectation, because your expectation is based on how YOU would have thought, felt, processed, and acted.
And YET, you are GIVING to them. And according to your “evaluation system” you are giving to them exactly the way you would want it. So from your perspective, you are GIVING perfectly! In your own mind – you are a rock star. (You get the picture?)
So here’s the formula when you have a “50/50” relationship. You GIVE the right way (in your own mind) and they give back to you but they fall short because it’s not your way.
Do you see how this dynamic always leaves you feeling like you are GIVING more than you are GETTING??
That’s why you always feel like CRAP!
Guess what Rock Star? Your partner is running the same damn equation on you and YOU are coming up short every freakin’ time in their score keeping “math”!
50/50 relationships, score keeping, and measuring all lead to the partners feeling like crap!
That’s why we teach out students that score keeping and measuring actually BLOCKS the process of Relationship Transformation that we are teaching them to create!
What does work? 100%/100% is the only formula that creates an unshakable love and unleashed passion!
An intimate relationship is not somewhere that you show up to GET. It’s somewhere that you go to GIVE! When two partners both show up to the relationship to GET, there’s NOTHING there!
It can be a really tough habit to break.
There are SO many tools and strategies that I could teach you to create this shift in your relationship. Since I don’t have time to teach them all to you here, I’ll start with two keys for you…
First, it all starts with a flip of the switch inside of YOU. It’s a decision that you make that begins this shift. The decision that your relationship is worth it. That your quality of life is worth it! As I say to my clients every day, you either have to live in your relationship or live through leaving it! It’s SO worth it to transform it!
Second, model the energy that you have with your kids. You don’t measure what they are giving back to you in exchange for what you GIVE them! When your kids were born and they needed to be fed or changed after they kept you up all night and then puked on your only clean shirt, you didn’t look at that 2 month old and say, “I feel like I’m doing most of the work around here.”
Well, your partner is not a two-month-old, but you certainly have the capacity to give unconditional love sweetie! If you gave your partner as much unconditional love as you gave your babies, you would have a very different relationship!
So consider breaking that “measuring stick” of yours and replace it with a big bucket of LOVE to give away!
p.s. If you want more tools & strategies to help you shift the dynamic of keeping score, please download our Free audio program here or join our Quick Start program here!
4 thoughts on “Keeping Score?”
Laughed at the image of me holding up one of my babies and saying “I feel like I’m doing most of the work around here.” LOL Still working on this one myself…hard habit to break…but definitely worth the effort!
Great point Stacey Martino!!! Love these actionable best practices for relationships. I forwarded your newsletter to Michael Rosati, I sure hope he reads this article filled with golden nuggets of relationship wisdom. 100% 100% – love it!
Yay! So thrilled you loved it Lisa! Love you!!!
Haha! That's funny Devorah! So glad you enjoyed this one! keep it up!
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