50 Shades of Submission

50 Shades of Submission

Last week I wrote my commentary about 50 Shades of Grey, abuse and erotica.

Today I’m focusing on two of the most common challenges that people are struggling with in their own relationships:

  1. Masculine/feminine energy;  and

  2. Surrender vs submission!

The movie 50 Shades of Grey gives us many great examples of masculine and feminine energy, how they trigger each other and how they can flip flop (the man in the feminine and the woman in her masculine).

It’s VERY clear to me why, in many ways, 50 Shades was such a huge disappointment for women everywhere who flocked to the movies hoping to experience a nice (wet) surge of oxytocin from the experience of watching a masculine man, in complete control of himself, who would just take his woman, so she could surrender, as he pleasures her over and over again. (ahhhhh!)

Instead, disappointed women watched a “weak,” kind of feminine (too pretty), man disconnected from his masculine and lacking presence, integrity, honor, and strength.

All feminine women want a mature masculine man who knows who he is, knows what he wants, and is driven by honor and integrity to serve, protect, and provide for his woman.

I actually laughed out loud (sorry people in my theatre) when the woman asked him, “and what do I get out of this arrangement?” and he said…. “ME!”


That’s an immature masculine moment alright…it’s all about him and he doesn’t give a crap about her.

The immature masculine captivates women with some of the same amazing qualities of the mature masculine by being decisive, rooted, confident, strong, driven, knows what he wants and nothing and nobody is going to get in his way…but in the immature masculine, he is driven by his own ego, to satisfy himself, in SPITE of what happens to others.

A mature masculine man lives to serve, provide, and protect his woman! 100% giving to HER! Make her dreams come true, clear a path for her, satisfy her every need, want, and desire! And the mature masculine is driven by honor and integrity. None of that was demonstrated in 50 Shades of Grey.

In this film, the male character vacillates between two masculine energies, immature and disconnected with leaning into feminine.

1: Immature Masculine

At times the male lead embodies the immature masculine energy. This energy is very enticing energy to a woman on the surface, but it doesn’t take long before she realizes that it is selfish in nature and will never serve her. The immature masculine man draws a woman in with his energy (rooted, confident, decisive) because she feels he will be a great provider/protector. And then she is so terribly disappointed or hurt when she finds that she is with a man who only provides and protects himself…even at her expense.

This is the type of man who PISSES OFF real mature masculine men. A mature masculine man will steer clear of any immature masculine man who demonstrates this kind of lack of honor and integrity. Ladies, if you are lucky enough to have a mature masculine man in your world, listen to his judgment when he tells you another man lacks honor and integrity! Men have a radar for this!

2: Disconnected from masculine and leaning into feminine

The other energy that the male lead portrays in this film is disconnected completely from his masculine, unrooted, and even out of control. There are several times throughout this film when the male character completely loses root of himself and unravels. The most prominent of these scenes is the scene at the end where he punishes her. More on that in a moment.

50 Shades of Submission

On the other hand, while the woman in this film starts out as feminine energy she flips into her masculine energy because the male in this relationship has not yet become mature masculine.

Let me explain. It’s sad really, because this innocent woman actually starts out in her feminine energy. She is open. At its essence, feminine energy is your level of openness. How open are you. The opposite of which would be how protected, withdrawn, shut down, punishing, tight, or closed are you?

She starts out in her feminine, but eventually being with him as he goes from moments of immature masculine to completely disconnected from his masculine and more in the feminine, she switched into her masculine…as most women do. When a woman is with a man whom she realizes is only looking out for himself or disconnected and “not driving the ship,” she will often flip into her masculine. It’s human nature. If no one else is leading and protecting me, then I must lead and protect me.

The ultimate example of the FLIP FLOPPED energy was the final scene of 50 Shades when he punishes her. In this scene, she “mans-up,” completely closes, shuts off all feeling, puts up her walls and tells him to “give her the worst of it.” She goes into full masculine, to take it like a man.

And when she does, he loses all control of himself, which is the opposite of the mature masculine and unravels as he hits her.

And then she leaves…decisively. Even as she walks out and he tries to follow, she raises HER hand and says NO…and he stops dead in his tracks. She’s in the masculine at that point. She realizes she has to serve, provide, and protect herself. He is completely disconnected from his masculine core.

When the energies are flip flopped, you will not experience the height of unleashed passion!

The mature masculine man may engage in S&M, spanking, bondage or a host of other erotic sexual interactions with his woman. The energy behind it will always be him providing extraordinary pleasure for her, to serve her, in all the flavors that takes, both gentle and intense energies, all while protecting her.

A feminine woman, by definition, can only surrender to a man in his mature masculine.

Mature masculine energy and hitting a woman in anger are mutually exclusive occurrences.

In intimacy and in life, women need to SURRENDER! To release, let it all go, let everything wash away, stop driving, stop controlling, stop making all the decisions, just shut off her brain and be led to her highest good….to be pleasured by her man over and over and over again beyond anything she could have dreamed for herself!

In any situation with an immature masculine man, a woman cannot surrender, she can only submit. And there is a huge difference between surrender and submission!

You can even feel the difference, energetically, when you say the words. Submission is something that you do against what you truly want, against your will, whether by coercion, duress, manipulation or just not knowing better. Surrender is something that you choose to do, willingly, because your partner is leading based on what is in YOUR best interest.

Submission: A man who wants dominance over a woman, wants domination for HIS best interest against her will. That is total and complete SHIT. There’s nothing sexy about it and it’s not part of an unleashed passion. 50 Shades demonstrated this man’s attempt at creating submission.

Surrender: With a mature masculine man, a woman can surrender because he is leading with HER best interest at heart! This is one of the most delicious and delightful experiences of life. It can be scary at first, if you are not used to the experience (so is loving unconditionally)…but surrendering is so juicy, exciting, fulfilling and insanely hot!

A feminine woman, by definition, can only surrender to a man in his mature masculine.

A mature masculine man is in control of himself and in control during sex! If the man is not in control, the woman has no one to surrender and open to! If he’s not in control…then she can’t surrender… because no one would be “driving the ship?!”

And if the man is in his immature masculine, she cannot surrender, because he’s not leading her for HER best interest, he’s only interested in his own interest, possibly even in spite of what she truly and deeply wants and needs. How could she possibly surrender to someone she has to protect herself from? It’s not possible.

Many people even find surrender objectionable. These are often women who are stuck in their masculine (a masculine energy would never surrender to anyone else), or people who have never had any experience in life of someone else that they could trust with their own life and would be happy to surrender to!

I understand. I used to fit both of those descriptions. I was a woman stuck in my masculine energy, who built my entire life on never depending on anyone but me and always being the one in control. I didn’t know life could be any other way.

Then life sent me Paul Martino. While Paul started out disconnected from his masculine, in time he mastered the art and science of reconnecting to his mature masculine energy.

Paul is wired for protection, providing, and service and he is completely driven by honor and integrity. It runs so deep for him, I would say it’s the blood in his veins.

By consistently showing up in service, protecting me way better than I can protect myself, leading me for my own best interest, clearing the path for me and so much more…eventually I realized that Paul is the first human I’ve ever met that I can trust even more than myself. It didn’t come easily for me, and it took a long time, but eventually I opened to Paul and I surrendered.

I let my walls crumble, I put down my armor and my weapons, I stopped controlling and driving and I melted into his arms. Ever since, he has been creating the most magical, ecstatic and blissful experience of a life for me…beyond my wildest dreams.

We didn’t start out as these two people, but together, we enabled the other to unleash into their best and most authentic self…and we created what we have today! This juicy, hot, intense, magnetic and orgasmic life we treasure!

Please post a comment below! What was your biggest take away from this article? What is one thing can you do in your relationship to unleash your passion today?

Sending love (and passion!)


p.s. I wrote “Why Surrendering to Your Man Makes You Both Happier.” It went viral when “Your Tango” put it on their home page for days! The editor at Your Tango (13 million readers) sent me a note to say that in all her years, my article was the best explanation of submission vs surrender that she had ever read! Read the article here: http://relationshipdevelopment.org/50-shades-ofwhaaaaattt/


6 thoughts on “50 Shades of Submission

  1. Its interesting to see the shifts in others when working on you. I am clear when I am in flow its all in flow.. the people around me and if they can’t be with it those people leave..

  2. Amen Stacy! I am married (second marriage) to a mature masculine man. 🙂 The joy, juicyness and complete trust in our relationship is beyond awesome. I feel protected and loved everyday. Your work has helped me realize the gift my marriage is. I must admit, however, I still sometimes flip into masculine, yikes!! I am learning to let go and give up my control for my own good. Thanks for all you and Paul do and teach.

  3. I am married to a man (almost 20 years) that is just now learning to be mature masculine. Last year, his selfish ways and lack of ability to care for, provide and protect (as well as throwing me under the bus to save himself) had me at the brink of turning to another man. As bad as it was and as hopeless as it seemed, it wasn’t. He manned up instead of divorcing me and is becoming the man of my dreams. Exercising his mature masculine energy makes him irresistible and while I still work at completely surrendering (20 years of being the man makes it difficult sometimes) the more I surrender, the more he becomes masculine and the happier I am. Everything in our marriage has improved exponentially because of this shift. You are spot on girl, putting words to dynamics I didn’t understand until I read this. Thank you so much.

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