Everyone has a NEED to feel special!
In our Relationship Development work, we refer to it as their need for SIGNIFICANCE. The need to feel special, wanted, important and that you matter.
Everyone has this need….everyone.
In relationship, very often people are “measuring” and “scorekeeping” significantly around SIGNIFICANCE.
What do I mean by that?
Very often, when you feel that your partner is not meeting your need for significance, then you “withhold” filling them up with significance.
After all, if they are leaving you feeling “insignificant” then how on earth are you going to “give more significance away to them”? That would be crazy right??
Does any of that resonate for you?
Here’s the secret Lovie. When you withhold making other people feel significant, it doesn’t make you feel any more significant…it just feels empty.
Moreover, when you “withhold” significance from someone else (any relationship) what do you think that TRIGGERS in them for you?
Yeah, you bet. The same knee-jerk response of “withholding significance” from you!
This used to be my trap in life. There was a time when I was so focused on needing to be significant, needing to be validated, needing to be right, needing to be seen, needing to be heard, needing to be recognized as the best or important, needing a “thank you”, needing an “I’m sorry”, needing acknowledgement, needing respect…..it’s all significance.
And that’s a pretty big bucket to fill!
Especially for a girl who is NOT about to “give” anyone else any significance, because she’ll be damned if she will feel like they are more significant than her!
It’s a vicious trap. And it left me feeling unfulfilled, bitter, lonely, unhappy and wildly disappointed most of the time….but ESPECIALLY on SIGNIFICANT days….like birthdays, holidays and special events! Then I would get SIGNIFICANTLY disappointed.
Then I woke up!
I did the work….and created an awakening for myself.
Significance was a losing battle and it was part of what was ruining my life.
A few weeks ago, Paul and I taught our RelationshipU students the process that creates this dynamic and many of them experienced a life changing breakthrough of taking their daily focus off of their need for significance and instead switching it to the need that creates a massively fulfilling life.
I wish I had time to teach you that here….but I will give you the answer.
Giving! Giving is the answer!
We have a saying around here….”We are giving away significance for free!”
When you rewire the software that runs your show (your operating system) to get fulfilled on GIVING, you flip the switch on your fulfillment!
You can always GIVE! So you can always fill that bucket!
Significance is harder to fill because not many humans are happily giving it away and even when they do….it doesn’t meet your “rules” for how you needed it so it doesn’t really “count”.
This wiring is not the easiest thing to uproot. I get it.
The fears come up…if I give significance away to everyone else…who will give it to me!?
It takes rewiring…this is The Work! (we are happy to help you with it when you are ready!)
But it’s so worth it!
Every day I delight with GLEE at giving significance away for free to everyone I meet! And I feel very special and wanted for living this way….so it meets my (much reduced) need for significance too! 😉
What does all this have to do with Gracie’s Birthday picture?
You may or may not know that in our home, since our kids were little, when you wake up on your birthday, you will find your Birthday Table waiting for you! The night before their birthdays, Paul and I sneak around the house and gather all their favorite toys, stuffed animals and crafts and decorate the table for them. We color cards for them and decorate in a big celebration! When they come downstairs they find what they call the “Birthday Extravaganza”!
If you ask either of our kids what is the best part about their birthday, they will tell you….The Birthday Table!
Everyone wants to feel significant on their birthday…..Paul and I set it up the night before so that their first minute waking up on their special day feels the MOST special it can be! And it starts their special day off right! (very significant)
What are you doing for the most important people in your world to “give significance away for free”? I challenge you, over the next 7 days to focus on GIVING significance away and experience the difference!
Post in the comments below and tell me what new action you will take to create your life by design with this new awareness!
6 thoughts on “Are you giving significance away for free??”
What happens when you continue to be dumped on? When your giving is slammed back in your face as worthless, that bucket springs holes quickly. I guess I don’t see how it is possible to be unaffected by the reactions of others — to be truly fulfilled by filling your own bucket. Thoughts?
Thank you so much for sharing here. I don’t really know enough about your dynamic ….but my hallucination is that perhaps GIVING isn’t the solution to the relationship challenge that you are facing. There are hundreds of other tools that we teach and it’s possible that you might be using a great tool (giving) but in the wrong context….and so it’s not working there.
It’s also possible that you may be confusing “giving” with “pleasing”? Maybe check out this video and see if this brings any clarity! Thanks for connecting with me here!
A very good post Stacey! … and is is a challenge if you’re been stuck in the opposite mode for a while. That mode sends the message to us that we’re not good enough; that we need something more from someone else. It keeps you needy and miserable! I’m getting over myself and it is liberating! Significant other is bubbling over too!
I understand what you are saying however, having been in a relationship with a person that has many narcissistic tendencies, this method is disastrous to the givers emotional well-being. So, my question is how do ‘givers’ not get taken advantage of?
Great article about the “significance” trap… great reminder!!
Awesome article so sorry I missed the 7day challenge
Comments are closed.