But I’m not LUCKY!
Today Paul and I have a rock solid relationship! I mean ROCK SOLID.
The kind of relationship where NOTHING and NOBODY can come between us!
Having this kind of rock solid alignment allows me to go through my day with so much strength, confidence and joy! Paul supports me 1000%. Without question. I never, ever have to doubt it. I don’t have to “look” for whether he will choose ME or something else (like I used to)…because there’s no question.
Paul has my back (and my front) in every moment. And I’ve got his. We are indivisible.
And honestly, as I walk through my day, I feel impervious to any other crap that might happen in my world. If someone’s not happy with me, if things don’t go right, if something or someone is frustrating….in the grand scheme of things….it doesn’t really shake me, because I’ve got PAUL! And having this level of UNSHAKABLE love allows me to feel like nothing else can really get to me!
I know….I said it already….I am BLESSED!
But I’m NOT lucky! It wasn’t always this way.
I can remember countless nights walking into our home office to see if he was still behind the computer or if he just “might” chose to hang out with me instead. I gave up even asking if he wanted to do anything with me on a Saturday, because I knew better than to even suggest that he would chose me before his work. He made it very clear to me that it was work first, then me. And then of course, he left me.
That was my dark night of the soul moment….15 years ago, when Paul told me our relationship was over. By the grace of God Paul gave us one more chance.
That’s when I WOKE UP and started changing ME to shift my interaction with Paul and save our relationship.
I started noticing that my “natural way” was causing Paul to respond to me in his “natural way”. We were stuck in a cycle of “triggering” each other. Predicable. I’m sure you can relate. You know those moments, where you don’t even say what you are thinking because you already know how your partner is going to react.
Well, I started changing MY part of that equation. And Paul started to naturally change his “response”.
It wasn’t easy. And it felt very un-natural. I was TRYING REALLY HARD.
I thought before I spoke and asked myself “Is this going to get me a response that will take my relationship UP or DOWN” (I like to keep things real simple)
If my gut answer was DOWN, I would just keep thinking and working until I could find a way to say something that would take my relationship UP.
It took me a YEAR! I studied everything I could get my hands on and was shocked to find that no one really had a comprehensive step-by-step solution for this. But I was committed, so I put in the time!
After one year, I had transformed! I still had a ways to go, but I was at a totally new level, and what previously felt un-natural, was now second nature! And I was enjoying LIVING in the results I CREATED with the ACTION that I took!
At that point, Paul jumped in with me. We both put our relationship first and committed to DO THE WORK!
It was the beginning of our Relationship Development™ path. (personal development for your relationship)
It’s how we created this unshakable love….our rock solid relationship! It is something you CREATE. It’s not something you just have, it doesn’t happen accidentally, and it’s not your partner’s fault that you don’t have it. It’s just that no one ever taught you how to create it…YET.
You create a rock solid relationship in each moment, each decision, each action you take. Your actions are either creating a rock solid relationship or they are not. It is that simple.
Until now, the actions that you take are resulting in rock solid alignment or not, and this dynamic has been invisible to you. I’m just going to shine the light on 3 of them, so you can choose what you want to create intentionally.
Today, Paul is #1 in my universe. And I am #1 for him. Nothing comes before Paul for me….nothing! Not my work, not my family of origin, not even our kids! You read that right. But before you get your feathers ruffled, hear me out. (Paul and I have 2 small children and they are our WORLD…so please allow me to explain)
You will be your kids’ parents forever…but you won’t always PARENT them forever. You are raising your kids to be independent, autonomous, contributing members of society so they go off, start their own family and have their own lives.
And when they do (move out), you are left with WHOM?? Yeah, your life partner! The only person you are committed to sharing your life with…forever. (hence the term LIFE-partner)
Now, I’m not saying that you sit at your partner’s feet all day and ignore your kids who need you, quit your job and tell everyone else to scram. That’s not what I’m saying.
What I AM saying is that nothing can come before your partner in your world.
What does that look like?
Work: Regardless of how busy you are, your partner feels in their heart that they are still #1 in your world. And if it came down to an ultimate choice, they would WIN and work would LOSE. Ironically, when your partner FEELS that they are #1 in your world, they won’t feel competitive with your work anymore, and they will support you more than ever before!
Family of Origin: You never prioritize the wants of a family member over the needs of your committed partner. For example, Aunt Susie invites you all over for family dinner on the day your wife Bonnie is flying home from a 5 day business trip. To have a rock solid relationship, you decline the invitation and tell Aunt Susie that you and the kids need to be home that day because Bonnie will need to come home and unwind with a good meal, alone time with you and the kids and rest….so you will have to come see the family some other time.
Your Kids: This is the one that is so tough for good parents to grasp. I get it. Let me help you! Having a rock solid relationship with your partner is actually the best thing FOR your kids! It means that you and your partner are aligned as a rock solid unified front for your kids.
And here is the KEY: Your kids cannot come between you and your partner!
So, together, you and your partner put your kids first in your worlds and you serve them together, but the kids cannot come BETWEEN you. Meaning, Dad will not align with daughter against Mom. And Mom will not align with a child against Dad. That’s what it means to create a rock solid relationship FOR your kids.
And while your kids certainly need you a lot, you cannot IGNORE your partner.When your partner feels like you ignore him for the kids, or that the kids are #1, #2 and #3 in your world and he is at the end of your list…your relationship is vulnerable and shakable.
If you want a rock solid relationship, the first step is to shift your mindset to…My Partner is Number One in My World.
It’s a vulnerable statement to make. I get it. I went through this transition. It’s supposed to be vulnerable. You have to have “skin in the game” to create this kind of synergy with your partner.
And the crazy part is, you have to GIVE this to your partner if you want to experience it back someday. You can’t say “I’ll make him number one when he makes me number one.” Because then the relationship will never go UP! Someone has to go first.
I know, because I was that person in my relationship with Paul. It was the bravest thing I ever did. And he thanks me for it every day!
If it were easy, everyone would have it.
But, make no mistake, you absolutely CAN have it. It’s not just for some people, anyone can have a rock solid relationship!
If you WANT it…do the work and CREATE it!
It’s SO worth it!
To make it easier for our students, Paul and I actually teach a simple 4 step solution that you can follow to start forming your rock solid relationship with your partner. I wish I had more space here to give you all 4 steps. But you can download them here and start creating the rock solid relationship you desire!