I hear this a LOT!
This is not the man I married. OR
This is not the woman I fell in love with.
He’s so different…she’s changed!
Please fix my spouse!!
First, let me just say that, while the hat and tools look cute, I am not in the “fixing” business 😉
Here’s the thing, if you are feeling that your spouse has changed or that they are not the person you fell in love with…you are right!
People do change, we all know that. Some changes are positive and take us closer to the life we desire, while other changes are destructive and cause pain.
Most people will change when they take their relationship to the next level. They will morph themselves, transform themselves into whatever it is they feel they need to be in order to be married, or settle down, or be a parent…or whatever it is for them.
And maybe you know this all too well, because you yourself, little by little, have morphed over time.
Over the years, over the months, little by little, you have transformed yourself into who you felt you needed to be to live the life that you are living now. As your life conditions changed, you have changed.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with changing who you are. Creating a life by design requires you to make intentional changes to create the life you want.
However, that’s not what most people do. Most people continue to change, little by little, in reaction to life; or, in defense to what they do not want to be.
“I don’t want to be the kind of father my father was, so I’m not going to travel anymore. I’m going to get a job closer to home.”
“I don’t want to be the kind of mother my mother was. So I’m going to make sure I work and contribute financially to my family so that my children don’t have to suffer financially like I did.”
“I’m not going to be a firefighter anymore because I’m a father now and I can’t take that risk.”
Whatever it is.
Little by little, most people change because they are living in reaction or in defensiveness…they do not change intentionally.
And then one day, they look at their spouse and say
“This is not the person that I married.”
“This is not the person that I fell in love with.” And….
“I just wish… That he/she could be more like they used to be!”
But what we don’t realize is that we continue to “select” the morphed version of our spouse by what we say and do that reinforces their change.
“Yes, I don’t want you to travel.”
“Yes, you should get a job close to home.”
“Yes, firefighting is too risky, you should stop.”
“Yes, you should do this.” “No, you shouldn’t do that.”
“It’s what’s best for our family.”
And all those decisions seem logical, rational and good-hearted in the moment. But what we don’t see is the consequence of moving away from who we really are, moving away from our hearts desire and not meeting our needs in ways that make us fulfilled and happy.
An unfulfilled, unhappy spouse, is a recipe for an unhappy marriage.
No matter how logistically reasonable it seemed at the time.
When you say “what happened to my spouse”, maybe you could also see ways that they may have “changed” with good intention, to adapt to their changing life conditions.
In fact, it may be the very best thing that he not still be a firefighter, because he doesn’t want to risk not being there for his kids and he’s had too many close calls already.
But then one day if you wonder why he’s not the take charge, no fear, head-strong man you fell in love with… understand and have some compassion that he removed something from his life that FED that part of him. With this awareness you can design a life that does feed that part of him, in a way that serves the family too.
We dive deeply into the way we meet our needs and how this impacts our intimate relationship in our Relationship Transformation program. Our clients experience exactly how to design their life to meet their needs, better than before, in ways that also fuel their magnificent love affair.
What can you do right now?
Embrace your compassion for your spouse and yourself! Recognize the ways in which you have selected and connected with the “morphed” version of them…reinforcing them. We all do it, every one of us!
So when someone says to me,
“Stacey, please change my spouse back to the woman or man I fell in love with.”
I say, perhaps they have made the changes that they have made with positive intent, to serve the family. Maybe it’s time to look at it and make some changes to help you both experience fulfillment and still serve your family?
Have some heart-felt understanding for your spouse, as you create your life by design together!
If you are interested in exploring more, please click here for our Relationship Transformation Programs. And today, look at your spouse with this new perspective, and open up to a new level of compassion for them, and yourself!!!