It’s Not About the Nail!

Hysterical!!

Paul showed me this video a few nights ago and I laughed hysterically…just like you just did!  This video has gone viral since.

WHY?

Why do SO many MEN AND WOMEN find this video so hysterical?  Yes, it was really well done.  But that’s not why it’s viral!

It makes BOTH men and women laugh because it RESSONATES!  Everyone can relate to this fundamental dynamic between men and women.  In just one and a half minutes, this video conveys both the male and female gut-feelings SO brilliantly and powerfully that you totally GET IT.

That’s why it’s viral now.

So yes, it’s hysterical.  AND….what can we learn to make the reality of this dynamic less “painful”, pun INtended, in our relationships??

While, clearly, this is an exaggeration of a woman’s need for a man to “just listen”, it’s actually the perfect tool to use for all women to understand a KEY concept.  In my experience, as a relationship expert and as a woman, this one key concept escapes most women.   Not because there’s anything wrong with us, it’s just that our brains work differently than a man’s.

Here’s the thing ladies….watch the video again.

One of my FAVORITE parts of this video comes AFTER she asks him to “just listen”.  Ladies….watch his face as he musters up everything within him to deliver on her request.  Do you see the SHEER PAIN in his face?  Do you see how incredibly HARD it is for him to do this?  Do you see how Unnatural this is for him? Can you feel how much of a struggle this is for him?

That is the BEST depiction of how completely painful it is for a man (untrained) to listen to a woman without “fixing” it for her.

Ladies, you don’t have to have a “nail in your head” to cause this much pain for your man.  Even if you are just sharing the struggles of your day or telling him about a conversation that you had with someone….his BRAIN IS WIRED to pull that nail out of your head!

Asking him to BE different than he is wired to be, is just like this lovely woman asking her man NOT to solve her “mysterious” problem of all her snagged sweaters by suggesting that maybe it’s the nail

So what’s the solution??

Well, there are lots of tools and strategies for BOTH the man and the woman to completely shift this dynamic and actually ENJOY and delight in easy conversations where he is able to effectively listen to her without pain and struggle and she is able to share what she needs to share without being interrupted, judged or fixed.

I’ll share with you ONE tool today.  Ladies, the BEST thing you can do to begin to shift this dynamic in your relationship is TELL him before you start speaking what you need him to do AND what it PROVIDES for you.

Example:

“Babe, there’s something I want to share with you.  I need about 7 minutes of your focused attention. I’d love it if you could listen without fixing anything and just let me get this out please.  By having your full attention for 7 minutes you will PROVIDE me with the feeling of connection and I will feel significant to you…more important than anything else…and it would make me feel really hot 😉  Is now a good time for this?”

Of course, those are just my words, you need to put it into your own words, but be playful with it!  It will feel more natural in time…as you start to transform the dynamic of your relationship in a way that you both really enjoy!!!

For a woman, speaking like this feels as unnatural as the guy watching his lady with a nail in her head.  But ladies…this works.  Here’s a very brief insight as to WHY.

When a man is listening to anyone speak, his brain is running two questions for him.  “What’s the point?” and “How can I fix this?”

When you tell him upfront, that the point is for him to listen, that there is nothing to solve and what it PROVIDES for you, then he clearly knows what his purpose is, that he is creating an outcome just by participating and he can stop looking for a problem to fix or a point to your story that involves him or something he needs to know.  This is a tremendous relief for a man.

Now, in the beginning, he may not WANT to do it anyway.  From his perspective, sharing something that has no point and doesn’t need his fixing might be perceived as a waste of time in his world.  There are more tools and strategies that both women and men can use to shift that dynamic as well!!  More on that anther day!!!