“Baby I’m amazed at the way you love me all the time. Maybe I’m afraid of the way I love you”
– Paul McCartney
This song runs through my head all the time.
When I was a kid, this is one of those songs that I would hear and laugh to myself “artists, they are so weak…how stupid to let yourself feel that way about anybody!”
Fast forward to today.
I’m 45 years old. And I know with certainty that people think I am certifiably crazy when I say, with tears in my eyes, “I feel lucky just to be able to be this close in proximity to Paul Martino on a daily basis, let alone be the person he loves most in the world….that’s just too big to even comprehend…it’s mind blowing actually…and I still find it hard to grasp every day”
Young Stacey had a total breakdown when Paul tried to break up with her. As she sat there crying, saying to herself “what are you crying for? why do you even care?” she finally came face to face with a startling truth.
You can’t actually protect yourself from getting hurt by telling yourself you really don’t care and putting up walls.
It’s an illusion. You actually can’t protect yourself from the pain.
You can try to protect yourself from the SHAME. But you cannot protect yourself from the PAIN.
This was a terrible discovery and came at a really unfortunate moment for young Stacey, who sat there hysterical, surprised at her tears and sobs and PISSED to no end that all her “ice princess-ing” didn’t protect her from crap!
With nothing to lose, she looked at Paul and literally begged. She told him that what she is about to say is going to sound completely crazy, especially since he’s known her for 4 years.
She told him that she’s realized that she has feeling for him that she didn’t even know she had. She told him she had been playing half-assed trying to protect herself from this very moment, but guess what…it didn’t work.
Then Stacey, in the most vulnerable and raw moment of her life, said to Paul – If you are going to leave me, at least leave the real me. Please, give me a chance to show you who I really am, to play full-assed! And then if you truly don’t want this, I will let you go with love.
That conversation took 14 hours to have that night and Paul and I cried through the whole thing.
So, when I hear Sir Paul (ironic) sing those lyrics today. I am SO amazed at the way Paul loves me all the time. I’m grateful EVERY day for the people we are today.
Am I afraid of the way I need him?
I would say that I was definitely terrified that night, and for MANY years after that too. Simply terrified to NEED any other human being that much.
But that didn’t stop me from telling Paul every single day that I need him. That he is my air. And that everything in my world begins and ends with him!
It’s only in the last few years that my “fear” of how much I need Paul has settled into a PEACE. And I can honestly say that my faith is what has brought me peace.
And now, my NEED for Paul, is one of the greatest feelings I have inside. It’s what brought me to tears after I wrote about that night a few paragraphs up. And it’s what propelled me to stand up, walk over to Paul’s desk and cry into his chest for 5 minutes, overwhelmed by my love for him.
Needing someone, loving someone to that depth, tapping into a level of vulnerability that brings up FEAR….that’s fully living!
Young Stacey, the “ice princess”, was standing on the outskirts of living. Watching Paul McCartney and thinking him a fool for such weak vulnerability.
Stacey today (notice I did not say OLD Stacey, and I’m not gonna) knows the truth. Sir Paul, my Paul and I are the strong ones. The ones who are willing to love to the depths of being terrified, to need someone to the level that they are like air to you…that takes a level of strength that I can’t describe to you.
Words have not yet been invented for the kind of strength that it takes to love that way.
So, if you love, but not to the level that SHAKES you to your core, you are standing on the outskirts. Listen to Sir Paul, he knows…she was the ONLY one who can really help him….he was right!
Live in AMAZEMENT…it’s the most beautiful, exciting, invigorating, life imaginable!!!!!
Sending love to you,
Stacey (the nice princess)
P.S. Lyrics to Maybe I’m Amazed, written by Paul McCartney: