Stacey’s Relationship Column from the current issue of Aspire Magazine…
When Linda told me that this issue of Aspire was about creating a life you love…my head nearly popped off my body! Oh, the things we could talk about! Where to begin!
Creating a life you love is the foundation for everything! I passionately believe that your entire life is of your creating. What you love about it and what you hate about it…you created it.
I passionately believe that “Magnificent love affairs are created and not found”. In fact, it’s the foundation of our 8 step relationship transformation system and how we teach people all over the world to create their unshakable love and unleashed passion…because it is absolutely created!
But I’m not going to talk to you about any of that today. NOPE. Buckle up buttercup…because it’s ON!
Paul and I teach our clients a tool that we created called “Brick or Glass™”.
Every time you are faced with an “uncomfortable” thought or feeling in relationship to someone (including your partner), you have an opportunity.
It’s like you have a big cabinet next to you, with six shelves on it. The top three shelves are lined with beautiful velvet bags full of gorgeous multi-colored, glistening, broken glass. The bottom three shelves are lined with old, dusty, heavy bricks.
Every time you are faced with an uncomfortable feeling or thought in relationship to your partner, you have a choice.
Choice #1: Glass. You can avoid the thought or feeling and reach up onto that shelf and pull down a beautiful bag of broken glass and spread it down on the floor of your relationship. When you do this, you are constantly walking on broken glass in your relationship. Your relationship is on shaky ground. There is distance and tension building…and you feel it. You may be confused because you thought you could avoid feel worse by “avoiding” an uncomfortable conversation…but somehow you feel worse.
Choice #2: Brick. Take a deep breath, find your compassion and harness your courage, come from your best and most authentic self and walk right into that conversation with your partner. Reach up onto that shelf and take a big, heavy, ugly brick and lay it down on the foundation of your relationship. It’s not pretty and it’s not comfortable. But when you navigate these “bricks” successfully, you will look down and realize that the relationship you are standing on is built of big sturdy bricks and it cannot be torn down! You will get more and more comfortable in the discomfort of the bricks that you put down in your relationship. And you will look forward to the experience that you come to rely on…that on the other side of every “brick” conversation, you feel closer, more aligned, more understood, more understanding for, and deeper in love with your partner. You are BUILDING the foundation of your unshakable love…. “brick by brick”.
So, since I totally love you and I am a certified brick layer 
I’m going to lay down a brick in our relationship right here today.
My darling, I know that you are trying to protect yourself from the pain and the hurt that you are scared to feel. I understand that you don’t want to risk things getting worse than they are. I see that you are stuck in the patterns that you have run for decades and not sure how to get yourself out of them. I feel your deepest fear….that you are not enough, that you are not lovable, and you will be abandoned for it.
I feel you. Actually my darling, all women feel you. You are not alone.
And….
If you are living without the love you want in your life, if you are living in a passionless relationship, if you are living in a relationship where you are not a rock solid and indivisible team, if you are living without consistent ravishing and satisfying sex ….you are NOT living a life you love!
And if you are telling yourself …I don’t need that, no one really has that, I don’t deserve that, I didn’t find that, I’m not pretty enough for that, he could never feel that way about me, I’m too busy for that, I’m too tired for that, I’m fine without that, it’s not that bad, I have it better than I thought I would, this is my punishment for the choices I’ve made, there are other things more important than that, I’ll do that later….
You are lying to yourself. (Brick)
“Love is the oxygen of the soul.” – Tony Robbins
If you don’t have the LOVE and PASSION that you want, you are NOT living a life you love…by definition! You are WIRED for love and passion my darling. It’s in your cells. Every baby needs to be loved and touched or they will DIE. It’s part of who we are as humans.
All the crap that you are telling yourself about why you don’t have it, why you can’t have it, why you don’t deserve it….that’s just your ego trying to protect you from the PAIN of getting hurt.
We all have that too.
Do you remember when your kid was trying to walk for the first time? Remember how they used to pull themselves up next to the furniture and hold on as they took steps? Remember how they used to teeter along and then plop down?
The first time they tried to walk and they fell. Did you go over to that baby, look them in the eye and tell them “Walking just isn’t for you sweetie. You’re not going to be a walker. It’s going to hurt each time you struggle and fall. You are a great crawler. Just stick with the crawling because you are really good at that and you won’t get hurt that way.”
Um. hell no!
Well sweetie, it’s the same for you.
I see you. I know. You’ve been hurt and you don’t want to get hurt again.
But sweetheart, you ARE a walker! You are going to “fall down and go boom” a few times along the road as you teeter your way to mastery, but you are a WALKER! You are WIRED for this. You are MADE for this. Just like the baby who is wired for walking….you are WIRED to LOVE and BE LOVED!!!! Masterfully!
Don’t run because you fell and got hurt!
And don’t believe the flat out lie that love doesn’t hurt! Love does hurt! It’s supposed to. If you are not getting bumps and bruises in life then you are playing too small! We are not supposed to go through this life without getting messy, hurt, broken open, and tossed around! Life is meant to be LIVED! And when we go for it, when we stretch ourselves, when we live into the greatness that we are meant to be….there is going to be fear, hurt and pain at times! It’s part of the journey!
And it’s WORTH IT! You are worth it!
So my darling, love yourself as much as I love you! Stop lying to yourself and start CREATING the love and passion that you are WIRED for!
OR, you can reach up on that shelf, pick up a beautiful velvet bag and sprinkle that glass on the foundation of your life.
It’s your choice…. Choose Wisely!
To read Stacey’s column and the amazing articles in this issue of Aspire and every issue, get your free issue here.
“I want a Breakthrough Session with Stacey”
Just started today by listening to the 8 steps online.
My biggest take away from the article was the “brick” you laid down.
“I know that you are trying to protect yourself from the pain and the hurt that you are scared to feel. I understand that you don’t want to risk things getting worse than they are. I see that you are stuck in the patterns that you have run for decades and not sure how to get yourself out of them. I feel your deepest fear….that you are not enough, that you are not lovable, and you will be abandoned for it.”
It’s like you read my heart…I feel fragile and would love to learn to be a stronger me.
The other thing that was affirming was that Love hurts. As I am in pain at the moment, my husband left me and my 3 boys last week.
The journey for me is to love myself for myself.
Wow M, that is so powerful! I’m so touched and moved! Good for you! The team will update about whether or not you won the Breakthrough Session soon! Good luck!
The biggest takeaway for me was this:
Do you remember when your kid was trying to walk for the first time? Remember how they used to pull themselves up next to the furniture and hold on as they took steps? Remember how they used to teeter along and then plop down?
The first time they tried to walk and they fell. Did you go over to that baby, look them in the eye and tell them “Walking just isn’t for you sweetie. You’re not going to be a walker. It’s going to hurt each time you struggle and fall. You are a great crawler. Just stick with the crawling because you are really good at that and you won’t get hurt that way.”
Um. hell no!
Well sweetie, it’s the same for you.
I feel like I’m getting up only when I have the courage to fall again. Not in that I am quiet and reserved with my feelings, quite the contrary, it is really about letting him in and being vulnerable. I have an amazing husband who deserves more than I am giving back and I deserve to be as blissfully happy as I would be if I allowed it.
“I want to have a Breakthrough Session with Stacey!”
Awesome Tina! I love you level of personal responsibility and dedication!!!! That will significantly increase your ability and speed to transform your relationship!!!! The team will update about whether or not you won the Breakthrough Session soon! Good luck! Love you!
After reading the article,”Brick or Glass,” I realize that I’m standing here with bloodied feet from all the glass I’ve been walking on for years; too afraid to make the other choice that can lead to the things I want-Love & Passion working in my Life!
I want a Breakthrough Session with Stacey. Rather,
I NEED a Breakthrough Session with Stacey.
Peace of the Season,
Lisabeth I.
Incredible distinction Lisabeth! thank you for sharing!! The team will update about whether or not you won the Breakthrough Session soon! Good luck!
So true, walking on glass for years has left me broken & unsure of who I am anymore. I’ve tried to be open & honest & giving, putting his needs before my own. Still not good enough. He had an affair caught HSV2 & when he came back, he didn’t know he had it until months later when she told him. They continued to be in contact via texting & he would lie to me about it. We no longer have sex, even though he bought condoms for our romantic get away in October, nothing happened. He says I need to look at him not being there yet as him showing me love so I won’t catch the disease, which I do, but…I’m feeling not loved in every way & not significant in my life. I need a breakthrough session with Stacy.
My heart is with you Sara! I applaud your courage and vulnerability for sharing your story with me! That is exactly the energy that is going to empower you to transform yourself and you life – to live from your best and most authentic self and have the love and passion you desire!!! The team will update about whether or not you won the Breakthrough Session soon! Good luck!
I loved the article. I am a visual learner and the pictures you set out, of walking on glass or bricks is amazing. I can see many times in my life where I have done both. Looking back it was the bricks that allowed me to move forward. Glass can be enticing. The illusion of “safety” has a loud voice! I will in the future be able to stop in the middle of a crisis and choose (hopefully) to lay down a brick to walk on. Thanks for the article.
Awesome Lisa! I’m so glad that the visual tool we created has served you so well! I love your distinctions on it! The team will update about whether or not you won the Breakthrough Session soon! Good luck!
Hey Stacey! Another brilliant article. I remember loving this visual tool from the RBR – it is simply the honest truth about relationships. Avoidance ends in heartache, with a big dose of repression and resentment along the way. My takeaway then – as is my takeaway now – is that avoidance is not the way to go.
So much has opened up for me since the RBR, and most recently I have seen magical changes in my relationship. As if hard work and perspective shifts of months ago settled in and now the changes are inevitably and magically (thank G-d) settling in. (Hard, really, to put into exact words.)
I would love a Breakthrough session with you because so much has been transforming in my life and I have been breaking through one glass ceiling (my term for comfort zones) after another. I would love to talk with you about NOW, because I have really been living more in the present, in my feminine radiance la-di-da 🙂 , and would love some coaching to talk about how to go from here. (Next steps, whether to stay at my pace or light a fire under my butt to move things forward faster in my business…) More clarity, more fuel.
Here’s to a great week, Stacey! Sending love, Devorah
Awesome Devorah! We are so thrilled to hear about your massive transformations from the Relationship Breakthrough Retreat last summer!! That’s how the magic happens! So thrilled for you!!! Thank you for requesting a session! The team will be in touch with you about whether or not you won! Sending love!!! Stacey
I have considered my husband, my rock for years. Always seen him as the strong one, I was vulnerable as I thought I was the one that had the problems. We were having sex maybe 4 times a year and couldn’t understand why we weren’t. He wouldn’t answer to my questions as to why. I love him with my heart and soul and know he is the one for me and this is why I kept going. I would avoid the subject but then finally his hidden life came out. He is a porn addict and tried to cheat on me. He needs counseling and admitted it but won’t do it. I am tired and not sure if I can keep the glass…I want a brick, I am ready for it.
I am sending big love to you Laura! You are not alone and I am here for you! I’m thrilled that you are ready for the Brick sweetie! It will serve you! Let’s connect soon…I’m here to help! Love you!