Transforming Your Relationship: Love Is NOT All You Need!

“All You Need is Love.” – The Beatles

No one wishes this quote from the Beatles were true more than I do! I LOVE love! My desire is that people would fall in love and STAY in love! I wish  everyone could walk through their day loving and being loved unconditionally for their most authentic self!!

But that’s not the reality is it?

Why not? Because it takes more than falling in love, or being in love, to make a relationship last!

Unfortunately, most of us were raised to believe that a relationship either ‘magically’ works out because we married the ‘right’ person, or it doesn’t. We were NOT taught that we must WORK at creating long lasting love that grows stronger and more passionate every day!

Without relationship skills, over time the passion fizzles and love starts to fade.  Before we know it, our relationship is hanging by a thread and we begin to wonder if we married the wrong person, or if love just isn’t meant to last.  This is when people give up.

It’s sad because they might give up on a perfectly good relationship, just because they didn’t understand the importance of having both love AND passion in a relationship, nor did they understand that there is an inverse relationship between the two, and that it takes specific skills to continuously grow both love AND passion in a long-term relationship!

What is LOVE? 

“Love is the oxygen of the soul.” ~ Tony Robbins

Love is the greatest opening of our spirit. It’s what connects us to other human beings. We all crave to be loved, treasured and cherished by an intimate partner who puts us before all else!

What is PASSION?

“Passion is the life-force of your relationship!” ~ Stacey Martino

In intimate relationship, you cannot have a magnificent love affair without PASSION! Passion is the life-force of your relationship! It’s the energy within you.  We all NEED passion or we feel numb inside!

LOVE is incredibly powerful, but it is not enough to sustain a magnificent relationship that lasts a lifetime!

Two of the most common myths about relationship are:

The belief that love is enough

The belief that if it’s meant to be, it will just work out

These false beliefs are responsible for more broken hearts and homes than anything else!

I’m here to take a stand for your relationship today, by dispelling these two false beliefs that destroy so many lives.

Why DO relationships end?

People give up when their needs are not being met by their partner consistently and they’ve lost hope that things can change.

What are these ‘needs’?

According to Human Needs Psychology, developed by Tony Robbins, all people have the same fundamental 6 human needs:

  1. Security
  2. Love
  3. Significance
  4. Variety
  5. Growth
  6. Contribution.

Seems simple enough.  Meet those six needs consistently at a high level, and it’s all good, right?

Wrong.

Why?

Because “the masculine” and “the feminine” have extremely different requirements for having their needs met within intimate relationships.

Furthermore, men and women both lack an understanding and appreciation for the drastic differences between the masculine and the feminine.

As women, we interpret masculine actions, feelings and thoughts through our “feminine” filter and often react to our men as if they are “misbehaving women”,who should know better and are behaving badly.  While we’re attracted to their masculine “differences” (at times), this also frustrates the heck out of us.

By the same token, men are interpreting our actions, feelings, and thoughts through their “masculine” filter and they get completely confused because nothing in their masculine world can explain the feminine.  Every masculine man is attracted to feminine women, but women also make them crazy, because they can’t understand them!

Even worse, we all GIVE our partner what we’d like to GET from them to meet our needs, but it’s not what our partner NEEDS to get from us in order to feel like their needs are being met!

This leaves couples in a situation where BOTH parties feel like they’re doing all of the giving and meeting their partner’s needs at a high level, yet their partner isn’t feeling it AT ALL!! 

It’s a miracle we ever get together and stay together at all, isn’t it?

Just what is the miracle that draws us together and keeps us together? The miracle is the combination of LOVE and PASSION! It’s the LOVE and the PASSION that gives us the strength of spirit and the energy we require to give our relationships a go in the first place!

If we didn’t feel the pull of LOVE, we wouldn’t care enough to go deep and be vulnerable with our lover.

Without the life-force of the passionate desire we feel inside for our partner, we would not have the energy to keep growing into the best version of ourselves, have heartfelt understanding for our partner and create the love and life we want!

What does our partner need and how can we provide it?

Although Paul and I teach our students hundreds of strategies to help them meet their partner’s needs and take their relationships to the next level, the strategy of understanding the huge difference between how the feminine experiences providing and how the masculine experiences it, will empower you to transform your relationship quickly.

The feminine has a deep fundamental need to be provided for and not abandoned. 

It’s not a WANT, it’s a NEED. In today’s society…it’s getting unnecessarily complicated and ignored. Regardless of how “unpopular” this is, it’s the truth and it’s time we come back to honor this truth.

Can a feminine woman provide for herself, her family and her partner? Of course! This isn’t about what we CAN do. We can do anything a man (masculine) can do.

The masculine is wired to provide and his worthiness is tied to his ability to provide.

It’s what he’s made to do and when he’s not doing it, he can feel completely worthless.  The ramifications in his life and your relationship can be catastrophic.

A woman in her feminine does NOT have this same experience with providing. We CAN provide, but we don’t NEED to provide in order to feel worthy of living.  

A woman in her feminine will provide when she needs to, but eventually she will feel depleted and resentful that she is not being provided for. Or she will flip into her masculine energy and stay there so she can keep providing, and feel worthy and significant from her ability to provide.

A man who is in his masculine would NEVER imagine a woman has a fundamental need to be provided for.  In fact, if you ask them, many men will respond to this with the shocked and confused response of, “…then why doesn’t she LET me do stuff for her?!”

It’s an ironic energetic snag for us ladies. We WANT to be provided for, but the energetic SNAG happens when we feel the truth that allowing ourselves to be provided for by another human being (who can’t do everything exactly the way we do it), takes a level of vulnerability that we feel resistant to.

Which brings us to one of the most fundamental needs that a masculine man has.  This need is so completely off most women’s radars that you may not even believe me when you read this…

A (masculine) man NEEDS to make a (feminine) woman HAPPY.

He must be able to make her happy to have a thriving intimate relationship with her.  A man will give up on an intimate relationship if he feels that he can’t make his woman happy.  He will END that relationship once he gives up the hope that he can ever make her happy.

This is terribly unfortunate, because so many women today struggle with allowing themselves to be happy!  Don’t get me wrong I know that women WANT to be happy. But the truth is, we have so many rules about how things have to be in order to BE happy.  We often make it SO hard to win and really easy to fail. We make it very difficult for our men to experience the success of making us happy, especially if that man has disappointed us many times in the past!

As women, we also have a pattern of withholding our love as a means to correct “bad” behavior.

And even when our partner does something good, we STILL don’t “reward” it because the voice in our heads says something like, “What do you want, a medal?” or “Oh PLEASE, the score is like a million to one mister… try and catch up!”

These unconscious patterns are killing our relationships and pushing our men away because we are blocking them from meeting their fundamental NEED to make us happy!

What’s the solution? 

Be a woman who can be made happy!

Find your joy! Allow yourself to be delighted! Even if he brings you a salad with everything you would NEVER eat…delight over the salad he brought you! Instead of berating him for all the mistakes he made, LOVE him up and adore him for his effort!  Find something to be grateful for, even if it’s just that he’s still attempting to connect with you and serve you!

You know what? It feels AWESOME!!! Being HAPPY is such a wonderful feeling! So, BE happy! When you allow him to “make you happy” consistently, you will experience a significant transformation in your relationship!

Magnificent love affairs are not found; they are created. So stop searching and start building, it’s so worth it!

Post a comment below and tell me ONE thing you are committed to doing for your partner, to consistently meet their needs at a high level!

Sending love,

Stacey

  • Kelly

    thank you so much Stacey for this!! it seemed like JUST the reminder I need to continue to nurture my relationship XO

    • Stacey Martino

      Awesome! So glad to serve you Kelly!

  • Luci

    Ditto Kelly. I recently learned about this and it was a HUGE eye opener. Thank you for writing about it here Stacey as I think most of us women, just have no idea about this difference betw/men and women. Showing appreciation works wonders with children too, even when they don’t do things “perfectly”. So we needn’t be hard on our men when they don’t do things the way a “perfect woman” would ;), but appreciate that they think we are worthy of being provided for.

    • Stacey Martino

      Awesome! Love this! So happy to serve you Luci!!!

  • Bethany Moore

    Society has taught us as women that we have to take on the masculine and become it to succeed in the world and to be treated fairly. I am so glad that Stacey reminds and informs us that we can be ourselves and that it is perfectly okay to do this. We can be grateful for the masculine and allow it to affect us as feminine and bring that out in us. We will all be so much happier and our world can be so much happier if everyone could get this information as soon as possible!

    • Renee Rosas

      I TOTALLY AGREE Bethany!
      I’m waiting for them to create a leadership training/ group program that I can lead at our church or in the community!
      So many people NEED this!
      I’m currently
      Trying to completely transform myself, so I’m better able to support others soon.
      Love your takeaways by the way!

    • Stacey Martino

      Awesome Bethany! So glad this served you so much! We are doing everything we can to help get this out to the world!!! thanks for being a “force for good” with us and helping us reach so many people who need this!!! <3

  • Renee Rosas

    Thank you for this!!!
    Can’t wait to build my magnificent relationship by shifting me!

    • Stacey Martino

      Awesome Renee! You are already doing such great work! It’s my pleasure to serve yoU!!!! muah!

  • Anna Wasden Hunter

    You have discovered some AMAZING truths Stacey, that totally make sense, yet are so simple most people miss them. Thank you so much for sharing these truths with everyone. I feel empowered. I am going to commit to look for all the good my husband does, (even when it isn’t how I would do it 😋). You are so awesome Stacey!

  • Miriam Mishkin

    So true that we are each giving what WE want to receive. And neither one of us is getting what we want / need. I am going to be far more conscious to identify what he wants, but clearly all the methods I’ve used so far have not gotten the results I’ve been looking for. I’m so grateful to “do the work” and learn the skills. I’m going outside of my comfort zone- all in.