May I ask you a question? Can you NOT have any “bad” behavior for the rest of the day today?
Ok. How about for the next seven days? Can you go all of the next 7 days without ANY “bad” behavior?
How about the rest of this year? Come on, it’s just for a year! Can you go this entire year without ANY “bad” behavior?
So I guess asking if you can go the rest of your life without any “bad” behavior is kinda a moot point, huh?
So, you are gonna have some “bad” behavior from time to time huh?
Does that mean you don’t deserve love? I mean, let’s be honest here. You just “told” me that you’re gonna have some “bad” behavior coming up. So, should I stop loving you now?
What do we teach our kids? We tell our kids, “I love you for who you ARE, not what you DO.” Right? We love our kids, UNCONDITIONALLY.
If we don’t have the intimate relationship we dreamed of having, it’s because we don’t give our partner unconditional love, like we give our kids.
We all want to be loved forever, even though we know we will have “bad” behavior from time to time.
Yet, we pull our love away when our partner has “bad” behavior.
What if, instead of pulling your love away, you choose to love their soul?
What if you choose to respond instead of react?
Respond to who they are inside, their heart. Instead of reacting to their “bad” behavior, fear, triggers and patterns.
We all have fears, triggers, patterns and “bad” behaviors. Me, you, your partner and everyone else.
Experiencing someone’s “bad” behavior is an opportunity. It’s an exercise in compassion.
In that moment, they are showing you their humanity. Like you probably feel when you are behaving “badly”, they feel they don’t “deserve” to be loved when they are behaving that way.
Instead of pulling your love away and proving them right, maybe give them a “lesson they will never forget”?
What do I mean?
When someone is at their worst, give them a lesson they will never forget: LOVE THEM!
Love them through their crap!
Look sweetie, when people are jerks and behave badly, they expect people to respond to them a certain way and they are “ready” for it. You know it’s true because you know how you feel when you act like a jerk. So pulling your love away isn’t going to be very memorable for them, they are expecting it.
Give them a lesson they will NEVER forget. Love them!
When someone has “bad” behavior and you don’t pull love away, instead, you look through the “behavior” to what is in their heart, FEEL who they really are and love them anyway….that bonds a relationship like nothing else! They will NEVER forget that.
Do you want that when YOU have “bad” behavior?
You have to give it, to get it sweetie.
And I’ll let you in on a little secret….it feels amazing both ways. Both when you give Grace and when you receive Grace….you get to FEEL GRACE!
Sending love (even if you are having “bad” behavior)
Stacey
What about if their bad behavior was having an affair? Are we really suppose to just love them and not react to that bad behavior?
Excellent question Stacie! I could talk about this topic for hours, but in the short time I have to comment here, I’ll say this…it’s not about ignoring someone’s bad behavior Stacie, no matter what it is. It’s about responding to what’s really going on inside them, and not flipping out (or whatever your reaction would be) to the behavior itself. There’s nothing good about an affair sweetie. But, in my vast professional experience, an affair is never an isolated incident. So the question becomes, if you want to rescue your relationship (even if the marriage isn’t meant to last), instead of pulling your love away (which he expects) what if you give you love, and step in closer. Get vulnerable, be honest, risk getting hurt and have the conversation that perhaps you have both been avoiding. What does he really need that he’s not getting? What do you really need that you are not getting? Are you willing to do what it takes to rescue what you have? You may not like what I have to say Stacie, and you may completely disagree. I’m ok with that. But an affair CAN be the END of a relationship, it can also be the BEGINNING Of a much better one! The choice is yours. Either way, it’s a gift, as long as you UTILIZE it! Sending love to you!
This is so true… I have been practicing this for months and months now and it’s getting easier. The trick is not taking things personally. Remembering it’s about their needs and their pain, not YOU! Thank you Stacey!
Thank you Lorie!! Great insight! love you!
Dear Stacie,
I understand what you’re saying and it’s very noble, but the woman ends up always being the one who understands, who forgives, who tries not to take hurtful words or deeds personally and they can behave the way they feel like it knowing they should be accepted and loved no matter what, they just got ‘a bit’ angry, the woman is ‘too sensitive’ if she reacts. For them there are no consequences to what they do and they continue to criticise, abuse and belittle. This is, even from your standpoint, a problem, where the woman tries to show her best self and the man couldn’t care less. You’re saying that, eventually, the man will change?
Dear Lumi, I understand that in your situation, that is frequently the dynamic, but I assure you that is not always the case. It’s not always the woman who understands and forgives. There is a process you can follow Lumi to inspire change in your man. He will not just eventually change, unless you change first, strategically, using the tools and process that work! Have you downloaded our 8 Step Audio program yet? Perhaps consider beginning our Quick Start program or come to our Relationship Breakthrough Retreat! There are many way to learn the tools that you can use to create the change you want!
Hi Stacey, This is sooooooo much the truth. Not just Stacey truth but God’s truth from the Bible. That is what God himself has done for me by having grace on me for my “bad behaviour” and that is what I should be doing for those around me!!! Not easy a lot of the time because I/we get pretty wrapped up in ourselves but it sure works a whole lot better doing it God’s way!!! Thank You !!! I am so thankful for grace. I really want to get better and giving it !!! Shell
Beautiful Shell! The right path is rarely the “easy” path…but it’s worth it! You are worth it! You are quite welcome beautiful! You got this! let us know how we can best support you! Love Stacey
Love it, as always! Spot on, Stacey. I have been learning this lesson myself the past few months while going through some illnesses/fatigue. So easy to say we want to be loving and loved unconditionally, another thing entirely to put our heart and actions where our mouth is. BUT SO FREAKIN' WORTH IT!!!!! (And it goes both ways – meaning, if we accept and love OURSELVES and go with the flow re illness/bad mood, those around us will respond in kind and accept us and love us for it and take care of us!! Inspiring and enlightening!!!)
Mwah! xoxox
And here is a plug for RBR for anyone interested and not yet decided…I am still experiencing life changing Ah-hah! moments that were inspired and set off at RBR 2014. Just today, as I wrote my weekly blog, I discovered a new one. Incredible!!! Reforming!!! Freakin' Amazing! (And if you can't make it live, livestream – I did! And got a support network of friends that stay in touch on FB and have virtual coffee chats monthly. Love it!)
Raising a glass to you Stacey!
Love it, as always! Spot on, Stacey. I have been learning this lesson myself the past few months while going through some illnesses/fatigue. So easy to say we want to be loving and loved unconditionally, another thing entirely to put our heart and actions where our mouth is. BUT SO FREAKIN' WORTH IT!!!!! (And it goes both ways – meaning, if we accept and love OURSELVES and go with the flow re illness/bad mood, those around us will respond in kind and accept us and love us for it and take care of us!! Inspiring and enlightening!!!)
Mwah! xoxox
And here is a plug for RBR for anyone interested and not yet decided…I am still experiencing life changing Ah-hah! moments that were inspired and set off at RBR 2014. Just today, as I wrote my weekly blog, I discovered a new one. Incredible!!! Reforming!!! Freakin' Amazing! (And if you can't make it live, livestream – I did! And got a support network of friends that stay in touch on FB and have virtual coffee chats monthly. Love it!)
Raising a glass to you Stacey!
reposting so it goes on FB!
Wonderful Devorah!!!! Love you so much! And wishing you strong health! Love Stacey