People ask me ALL the time “Stacey, why do men/women leave?”
My answer is always the same, a relationship starts to break down when one partner is not getting his/her needs met at high levels and on a consistent basis by the other partner.
A partner will LEAVE the relationship (either emotionally or physically) when they give up the HOPE that they can ever get their needs met at high levels and on a consistent basis, by this partner.
In last week’s free Relationship Breakthrough Live Call (click here for recording) Paul and I shared our favorite tool for figuring out your partner’s needs, how you are meeting them now and where you want to get to so you have your Relationship Map! If you were not on the call with us, please listen to the recording!!
Number One: You have to give it, to get it! You need to meet your partner’s needs first! Yes, you go first! Look, I say this all the time…it’s YOUR relationship, you either have to live in it, or live through leaving it…so you might as well do what works and create the relationship you want now!
Here’s the tricky part, as I said on Friday’s live call, you have to be careful here because most people GIVE love the way they want to receive it, but that’s not how your partner needs to GET it!
This is why so many people say “I GIVE and give and give…and nothing works.” That’s because you are giving what works for YOU and not for them! Give love the way your partner needs to receive it!
Number Two: If you want your partner to meet your needs, you must ASK for what you want! This is not optional honey. If you are a woman, let me be direct and blunt with you (as if I work any other way), you have to give him the answers to the test darling….and NO it’s not any less romantic or loving if you TELL him!
Darling, I am the most spoiled and pampered Princess on the planet. Paul Martino spoils me rotten both in and out of the bedroom! Every desire, every whim, every want and every need is met with vigor and gusto! And it feels AMAZING to be provided for in every way!!! And yes, years ago I started telling him all the little things (and the big things) that I like and what matters to me.
Paul knows that I love fruit flowers and I generally do not want candy (with sugar). So on special days, I squeal when the fruit flower truck pulls up in front of my house!!! Many years ago, he would bring me a special “candy” treat and I would smile and be so grateful and then feel “bad” because I WANT it, but I know I shouldn’t eat it. So by TELLING him what I love, and asking him to help me NOT have what I don’t want to eat too much of, I’m giving him the answers to the test! I promise you, it’s no less thrilling when the fruit flower truck pulls up because I once told him. That’s your own mindset crap and I’m just going to say “STOP IT”!
The whole “if he loves me, he would guess” is total crap, it doesn’t work and you are just setting yourself up for unhappiness!!!! Plus, once he’s consistently providing for you successfully for a certain period of time, then he can start “surprising you “with stuff you didn’t even know you wanted! Like when Paul took me to Cirque De Soilei last week as a birthday surprise!!! I never, ever mentioned Cirque before…he created that moment and surprise for me because he has had SO MANY positive experiences of WINNING with me that, at this point in our relationship, he also easily figures out things that I didn’t even know I wanted!!!
Number Three: You must RECEIVE what your partner does for you and LET them WIN! Seriously, I see this every day! Ladies, I’m going to ask you to take a serious moment here to get real and ask yourself….How easy am I making it for him to WIN?? Can I easily be made happy??
Men are not like DOGS. If they continually fail you, most men will not just keep trying and trying and trying and trying (not a man in his masculine….maybe a “pleaser” will, but not a masculine man). A man will decide if it’s WINable or NOT win-able and take
So when I say that a partner will leave when they give up the hope that they can ever get their needs met with this partner. A man has a NEED to provide for you. Are you receiving it?? And if you are saying “no, because he doesn’t give me what I want” are you telling him exactly what you want, the way you want it and how you want it…in a happy, generous, giving way that allows him to receive the answers to the test without feeling like you are scolding him like some little kid?! Just being honest. I speak from experience here.
I too used to get frustrated with Paul for not meeting my needs (magically figuring out what I needed even though I myself didn’t know) and I would withhold my “appreciation” from him in hopes that he would LEARN what to do. I get it. Honestly, that’s how our mamas taught us how to be a “good girl.” It’s how women often teach other women. But it doesn’t work, and certainly doesn’t work for men.
RECEIVE!!!! Let him WIN! Be able to be made happy!!!!!
When you do these three things,
GIVE to your partner first
Tell him or her how to meet your needs
Receive what your partner gives you and allow them to win
Your relationship will shift dramatically!!!
If you want some help with this, please listen to our Relationship Breakthrough Live Series!!! The recordings of the first two calls are waiting for you…and the 3 hour live stream with Paul and I is coming up on June 20th!!