Maybe you’ve heard me talk about winners and losers in relationship before?
There is no Win/Lose combination in relationship. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t win when your partner loses, and vice-versa. But make no mistake, there are winners and losers in intimate relationship. Some couples are win/win and others are lose/lose. You know which one you are already.
So why is “50/50” a strategy that makes you lose/lose??
50/50 sounds good right? Fair, equal, elevated…like a partnership, right? That’s what most of us were raised to do, correct? If you are my age (or younger), it was made very clear that women can do anything men can do…we are the same right? 50/50
Or maybe you came from a household where you saw your mom dependent on men in a way that led to her suffering? Maybe yours too? And, if you are a woman, maybe you vowed never to let yourself be in that position. If you are a man, perhaps you vowed never to do that to a woman.
Many people grew up in these households. Especially once divorce became possible and we experienced many of our mothers were simply NOT prepared for that independent life that they were handed.
So, many women vowed to be independent and always be able to provide for themselves. Women, like me, who vowed to never rely on anyone but myself so that I would never be in that situation. And men, who vowed to always encourage their woman to be independent, to never bring their full masculinity to bear with her, and to always treat her as an equal…maybe even go so far as to not open doors for women (since so many women scoff at men who do that today).
Any of this sound familiar to you?
To use another term from one of my favorite sitcoms…this, my friends is an OVER-CORRECTION!
Equal = YES
The same = NO
ABLE to be self suficient = YES
NEVER depend on anyone, including your spouse = NO
Don’t steamroll women and treat them like they have no opinions = YES
Stop providing for women, when you are putting their best interest first = NO
Don’t exert your masculinity to overpower a woman = YES
Stuff down your masculine presence and stop bringing your strong, decisive, protective and serving energy for her = NO
Being self sufficient is obviously important for us. Many of our mothers weren’t prepared to be that. The generations before them simply had no ability to prepare them for that. So, we are now prepared. We have an education, we have skill sets, we can do any job, anywhere. If you are ABLE to be a self sufficient woman today – YOU DID IT!
Respecting and honoring your woman is not optional, you get that. You are not the chauvinistic self serving man of older generations. You don’t see women as objects, without thoughts, feelings and abilities of their own. All of that seems crazy to you actually. And you are not a scary, threatening attacker. You are a good guy. Women know that about you. We can feel that about you. You are a good man – YOU DID IT!
That’s the good news….and here’s the “other news” 😉
“What got you to where you are now, is not going to get you where you want to go next.”
Ladies, you DID it. You survived wherever you came from. You made it through. But, what got you here, is not going to get you to where you want to go next.
If what you want is an unshakable love and an unleashed passion with your committed relationship…refusing to depend on anyone is NOT going to get you there. Completely providing for yourself is NOT going to get you there. Playing 50/50 is NOT going to get you there.
If you are providing everything for yourself, what do you need him for? Better yet, from HIS perspective, how is he to KNOW what you need him for? A man’s primary need is to provide for you. If you’re all set, and don’t ALLOW him to provide for you, what’s he needed for? What’s his purpose?
SO there’s a fear that comes up for women. What if I LET him provide some things for me, I like it, I get used to it, and then it doesn’t work out and he goes? I feel you, trust me. That is vulnerability sweetie. That is part of the RISK that you must take to experience an unshakable love and an unleashed passion! This kind of LOVE, is NOT a certain or controllable love…it begins in vulnerability.
But here’s the thing, it’s like driving a car.
I know how to drive. I started driving when I was 16. Until I was about 30, I drove myself everywhere I ever needed to go. I was always the driver.
Paul LOVES to drive. In the beginning, if we were in my car, I would drive. If we were in his car, he would drive. It seemed like a reasonable and easy arrangement. I don’t think we ever even gave it any thought.
Then one day I noticed how much I liked it when Paul drove. Eventually I started “letting” him drive, even in “my” car. I’m not sure when the switch happened, but somewhere along the way it became a firm pattern…Paul drives and I enjoy him driving me wherever we need to go, regardless of which car we take.
So much so that one time when I was driving, Gracie (our youngest) said, “Mommy, you are sitting in Daddy’s seat” (the drivers seat). 🙂
Here’s the distinction. I still know how to drive.
I drive myself anywhere, anyplace, all week long and NEVER give it a second thought. I drive plenty on my own. I didn’t forget how to drive. I didn’t begin to hate driving. When Paul isn’t around, I just grab my keys and go…just like any NORMAL person 🙂
Just because he PROVIDES that for me when we are together, doesn’t mean I CAN’T provide that for myself when he’s not around.
I am ABLE to provide for myself…but that doesn’t mean that I have to do everything for myself all the time, even when he’s around, to protect myself from depending on someone else.
If, for some reason, Paul never drove me again, and I needed to always drive, I would pick right up and do that. And so would you.
It is SO worth it, to create an unshakable love and an unleashed passion by depending on your partner and GIVING them some of your needs to meet for you! Yes, in the beginning, it is not as SAFE and CERTAIN as providing for yourself. But the kind of love you are seeking…your STANDARD for love…an unshakable love and an unleashed passion…does not come from a safe and certain place.
As my mentor Cloe Madanes once said to a client, “If you want certain love, get a puppy!”
Your intentions are good. You can bring your full masculine presence to the woman you love…she will not be afraid of you. She really wants that!
If you are struggling to know what your purpose is with her and to know what you can provide for her…it could be that she is stuck in this over-correction. Have some heartfelt understanding for the positive intent that is behind her patterns today.
Demonstrate to her, daily, that you are serving in HER best interest! Show her that you possess the mature masculine energy that is to serve, protect and provide FOR her. Not for your own best interest….for HERS!
Assure her, lovingly and confidently, that she can depend on you to have her best interest at heart. And then, be patient. This can be a hard habit for a woman to break. She may need you to prove yourself worthy of this responsibility MANY times before she willingly trusts you with meeting her needs for her.
So, what is the winning ratio you ask?
The only way to WIN in love is 100/100!!
It’s all in time baby!
You provide for them 100% and they provide for you 100%!
It’s not equal, it’s not fair and you don’t keep score!
You GIVE love without measuring.
And you ALLOW your lover to provide for you, even though you CAN do it for yourself!!
I’ll let you in on a little secret…when you’ve been doing this long enough, one day you will discover that your lover is actually WAY better at meeting all your needs for you then you were! 🙂
It’s pretty awesome!